Detoxing on November 30, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Great site– First time reader, first time writer…I broke up with my boyfriend between 3 and 6 times — cannot be certain as I was sometimes drunk. Anyway, each time he did the whole flowers, love notes– even love FAXES (during one of the breakups I was in Paris).

Anyway in August he met someone else and all of a sudden he was like “I want to see other people.”

At the time I lived upstairs from him in the same building so I and had to see him/his apartment every day. It was too Melrose so I moved across town but couldn’t get him out of my mind. Mostly I hated him but recently I began to think I loved him deep down. I even had 3 dreams about him. I had refused to talk to him until last weekend– I made up an excuse to see him– I was not impressed with what I saw and the meeting went NOT WELL. Last night he called on my cell phone asking why I was so mean to him Sunday and saying stuff like HE misses me and you don’t appreciate what you have till its gone, blah, blah,blah….. I told him I hate him and not to ever call me again — but I can’t stop thinking about him…

I know I badly need to get a life, but apart from that — and therapy, which I plan to start this week — can you give me any advice on how to feel human again? I am so tempted to call him– he still has the Sneaker Pimps import CD we used to have sex to– I could demand it back but what’s the point if I know he is just going to torture me about having this other guy in his life….. What should I do?

— Scott

Dear Scott,

Forget the CD. What are you going to do, listen to it?

Other than that, you’re doing all the right things. Except

(a) realizing that breakups ARE about mixed feelings. Of course you love/hate him. Of course you’re like: “I never want to see you again … unless you’re wearing those jeans!” That’s because you’re going through a breakup.

(b) realizing that — so lame but so true — these things Take Time. You’ve put miles (rather than floors — way to de-Melrose!) between you; now put minutes, hours, days, weeks. Just wait. Pass the time with a little therapy, maybe a movie, maybe a couple margaritas at the Rocking Horse; but other than that, sit tight. Also check this archived column.

Specifically, though, what you’ll have to wean yourself from is not love, but drama. Drunken breakups! Les faxes d’amour! Cell phone altercations! Vows of hatred! Jealousy! Torture! I know, I know, love is drama. And love of drama is part of what makes us/you human. But so is being able to step back and sort out the emotions from the stage directions; realizing that not everything has to happen at fever pitch.You will miss him for a while, yes. You will want to call him. But check before you dial: am I missing him, or am I … bored? Let’s assume it’s the latter. So watch Melrose. Or run over to Tower.

Love,
Breakup Girl