Lying about drugs on November 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I met Rebecca nearly seven years ago in high school and we were friends until she went away to college two years later. We lost touch until about eighteen months ago, when she returned back to the area to start her career.

After ten months of hanging out once or twice a week I came to the realization that I wanted to take the relationship to a ‘higher level’ and expressed this to her. She considered it and agreed, and we committed to one another romantically.

At the time I was a regular user of marijuana. I smoked maybe three or four times a week with my friends, and she had done it once or twice in college. Two months into our new relationship, she expressed concern that I was smoking too often. Looking for a good reason to quit, I promised at that point to give it up.

Two months later, after little in the way of struggle, I smoked pot again. I told her about it, and, while she was concerned, she was happy I told her and we left it at that. The problem is, my usage didn’t end there. I started doing it every couple of weeks, consistently.

Meanwhile, the relationship continued to get better. We started travelling with one another, and we spent the night at one another’s apartments three or four nights a week. We were in love and the future looked bright. We rarely had any kind of tense moments and even then we resolved them quickly. Except for the issue with pot. She seemed to be a touch suspicious and would bring up the topic every now and again. I would deny any kind of involvement with dope out of the fear of losing her or causing her undue grief.

As we passed our eight month anniversary, things were still going very strong and we were happy. One night, she was out with some friends from work who were regular pot users and who were adamant that I hadn’t quit. She vehemently defended me but later called me and once again expressed her suspicions that it seemed to be too easy that I was able to give up the drug. I got upset that this was a topic again and denied usage, saying things like “I wish you trusted me” and that “I don’t lie to the people I love.”

She felt awful the next day about her suspicions which in turn hurt me. I decided that the stupid charade on this topic had to end and I had to come clean and get the skeleton out of the closet. I came clean with her the next night and she was infuriated: infuriated I lied, angry that I made her feel guilty about her suspicions. She got very defensive and wasn’t sure how much of our relationship was ‘real.’ I immediately felt all of the disgrace and shame of my actions, and broke down. She turned around and felt bad that I was so upset, and we ended up deciding we needed a few days apart to figure out where to go next.

Three days later she called me and asked me not to interrupt as she read me a speech, five or six sentences, where she called me a manipulator and a liar, and said that she couldn’t be with me anymore. Essentially, she dumped me, but the rest of the forty-five minute call included the possiblity of reuniting later and her desire to, if nothing else, be friends. I e-mailed her two days later, making an appeal based on the level of commitment we had for one another, but she replied insisting that we not talk or e-mail for at least a month. She said if we were right for each other, we would be only more so a few months from now, and that I needed time to figure out if she was what I needed and if the changes I promised to make were for me or for her. At the same time, she expressed great pessimism that we could be together again and said that her doubts felt ‘very permanent.’

It’s been three weeks since that mail. I have respected her wishes and except for mailing her a card last week telling her I miss her, I have not attempted to contact her. I miss her dearly and, despite the initial despair that is now fading, I love her very much and those feelings are not going away. Some days have been downright miserable for me. I have been making changes to improve my discipline and have been carefully examining my value system to find what it was that made it so hard for me to stay true on that one issue.

Simply put, I want to be together with her again and believe in my heart that we are meant for one another. I made a terrible mistake grounded in shortsightedness and selfishness and have taken steps to ensure such a thing won’t happen again. I haven’t been anywhere near marijuana since a week before the break-up and have no intention of touching the stuff again… the thought of it is a reminder of the damage I did to Rebecca, myself, and us as a couple.

I need to rebuild her trust in me but am unsure as to how to approach this situation, Breakup Girl. If I stick to her request, I have to wait another couple of weeks before contacting her. I know I need to let her heal, but I am scared that the positive feelings she has for me will be gone if I wait too long to see her and talk again. Should I recommend dating again, starting off slow, or even just being friends for a while so she can see that she can trust me again? Or would that mean being dishonest to myself? It will kill me if she’s even just dating someone else and we are friends…

How would you approach this if you were me, Breakup Girl? What would you do?

–ECT

Dear ECT,

If I were you, I would do my job. Which, right now — sucky though it is — is to do what she says. That, if anything, is how you can rebuild her trust. So: no contact for now.

But here’s some stuff to read while you’re waiting.

I’ve been thinking: being lied to about drugs is both better and worse than being lied to about other “natural” aspects of a relationship.

First, there is a sense in which more slack can be cut. Drugs, like sex, are one of those things that people just lie about. I am not saying this is okay. I am just saying it goes with the territory. Which does not mean the rest of the territory goes with it. As I’ve said before, just because someone lies about sex doesn’t mean he’ll lie about, oh, selling arms to the Contras. The corrollary here — which I would point out to your gal if I could — is that I’m not convinced that just because you lied about pot doesn’t mean you’re 100% Skanky Unreliable Boyfriend. And let’s don’t forget that — while debate rages as to the addictiveness quotient of weed — drugs are chemicals. Unlike, say, other kinds of “youthful indiscretions,” they do not reside 100% within the realm of our own free, sneaky will.

But you are so not off the hook, my friend. Being lied to about drugs has got to really, really hurt. Someone else might tell you: “What really hurt her was not the drugs, it was the betrayal.” No, sorry, it was both. If I were Rebecca, I’d be thinking: “‘You lied to me about a woman!?’ — that would be one thing. But ‘You lied to me about … a plant?!?!?”‘ Damn, boy, at least make it worth my while.” Breakup Girl is dead serious here.

So, if you do get back into touch with Rebecca AFTER A GOOD LONG SMOKE-FREE WHILE, keep in mind that that’s gotta be where she’s coming (hurting) from. Then you could e-mail or write her something like, oh, “I have been making changes to improve my discipline and have been carefully examining my value system to find what it was that made it so hard for me to stay true on that one issue.” (Excellent call on that area of introspection, by the way; I was going to suggest it myself) And also something like: “Simply put, I want to be together with you again and believe in my heart that we are meant for one another. I made a terrible mistake grounded in shortsightedness and selfishness and have taken steps to ensure such a thing won’t happen again. I haven’t been anywhere near marijuana since a week before the break-up and have no intention of touching the stuff again… the thought of it is a reminder of the damage I did to you, myself, and us as a couple.” Well put, so far. Throw in something sincere about having exploited her trust and how she must have felt; and if I were Rebecca, I’d definitely at least listen.

But even if it is over between you and the girl, at least it’s over between you and the ganja. Right?

Love,
Breakup Girl