Further investigation from November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was recently dumped by the one who I thought of as perfect. We had fun, talked easily, felt comfortable with each other and had great chemistry to boot. Suddenly he starts making “I’m not ready for a committment” noises and he takes up with someone else. I think I’ve done a fairly good job of moving on. It took four weeks and a 10 pound weight loss, but I think I’m getting better. But tell me, how does one deal with the urge to stalk? I found out as much about HER as I could. (She’s a player with a less than sterling reputation.) I go by her house to see if he’s there. (He always is.) It hurts me to know that he’s with her and not me. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

— Aching

Dear Aching,

I really hope that you didn’t lose 10 pounds by jogging by her house. Some of what you call “stalking” (which is actually a serious word that we should try not to throw around) — or at least the urge — is natural and understandable. What’s she got that I ain’t? You want the 411. But when the 411 is too much information, why do you keep dialing? Good question. Why, in fact, do we keep doing anything that smarts? Maybe, in this case, because being dumped makes you feel like such a helpless, passive victim that torturing yourself is a weird twisted therapy — “Hey,” you think, “at least I have a say in being hurt this time.”

But, um, stop. You’re not allowed to say you’ve “moved on” until you do. But how? Well, if reminding yourself that it hurts to see his truck in her driveway doesn’t help you quit, then try this: I betcha they know you’re prowling. And that makes you look dorky and desperate. That’s the last thing you want, yes?

So please, please, find something else to fill your time. And your waistband. You’re eating enough, right?

Love,
Breakup Girl