Green with ectoplasm on October 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend has a lot of female “just friends.” One is his old girlfriend who is a basket case and seems to always need rescuing. I know it’s her way of “keeping him.” I do trust that he doesn’t want to be with her romantically but he’s never introduced us and I totally resent that they are perpetuating this relationship. I think she calls him about three times a week and he only admits to speaking with her “once in a while.” He didn’t want to upset me since he knows I sometimes show jealousy (mild) about his female friends. He claims he’s never been as close to anyone as he is me. And that he loves me and respects me deeply. Am I being stupid for not putting my foot down about his ex?

How should I handle the fact that he has so many “just friends?” I’m currently taking some time away from him so he is ready to do some degree of listening to get me back. Though he hates to feel cornered. Help.

— Jealous

Dear Jealous,

First of all, I have to say that it’s not a bad idea on your boyfriend’s part not to introduce you to his ex. It may in fact be quite politic. New girlfriends and old girlfriends, especially when each has a case of “jealousy (mild),” and “basket,” respectively, go together like oil and water (hot). You actually want to meet her? To what end? So you can see “Practical Magic” and go out for pink drinks and bond? So you can smile nicely and be the stable, non-single one? I can think of way more productive things to do with your life, such as learning how to make the perfect vinaigrette.

Second of all, I have to say that it’s hardly a bad thing for boyfriends to have friend-girls. Every time I read one of those “What do you look for in a man?” quizzes, “Has good friends — male and female” is always there, like waaaaaaaay above “pulse.” How come? Because when your guy has galfriends, you can surmise that he relates to women not as this rarefied girlfriend-only species, but as … human. Which bodes well for the members of the species who do turn out to be his girlfriends. You know what I’m saying?

So maybe your guy is, you know, nice. And he feels like he’s got to do his Ex-Boyfriend time and let Basketta vent every “once in a while,” even if he’s brushing his teeth and watching Tomb Raider while she rants.

And that’s the point. Is he, you know, nice? To you? Is his time with other girls, ex and otherwise, actually taking attention and respect away from you? Or is it just another element of his life, like a hobby that you don’t join him on? You say “he claims” he loves and respects and is mondo close to you. Is your choice of the dubious word “claims” his behavior talking — as in his actions when he’s with you truly don’t illustrate his words — or it your insecurity talking? I don’t know. That’s what you need to figure out, sweetie. Because yes, in the narrowest legal interpretation, you are entitled to request that he cut off contact with her. But if you do put your foot down about it, that may also be exactly where you’ll shoot yourself.

Love,
Breakup Girl