Meeting the parents on October 5,1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Here’s one I haven’t yet run across in your advice column…say you have a great relationship in every way, but as it evolves you find out the Jew/Gentile thing prohibits a future (read: marriage/living together). So why is he letting you both get in deeper when he knows he can’t take you home to meet his mother because you’re not ‘ethnic’ enough??? But you’re both so far into adulthood that how to raise any children isn’t even an issue and you both know that nothing this good has ever come along for either of you? Should the taboo against marrying a Gentile outweigh a chance for a dynamite love and friendship? I’ve pondered this for several years, still no peace of mind on this one. Thanks.

–Too WASP But Willing to Change

Dear WASP,

For this question about meeting the mother, how about we meet with Breakup Mom?

She says: “Hmmm. What’s strange about this one is the age thing. If you’re too old to have children, then you’re really adults. And it sounds like the guy maybe just doesn’t want to hurt his mother. Which is something I hope all BG readers can relate to. But if children aren’t a consideration, then the big question is how does he himself feel about it? He obviously cares about you if this has been going on ‘for several years.’ As to what should outweigh what, well, he seems to have made the decision. The interesting question is what would happen if, God Forbid, his mother died and he no longer had that excuse.

The bottom line is that this is something that has no set rules. It just has to be worked out between the two of you as individuals. How much have you really, really, really discussed this–candidly? The question you asked my little baby, I mean, superhero, is one you should ask him. And then you have to ask yourself what you are willing to put up with. What kind of relationship do you have beyond each other? How much are you a part of his life? How much is active Judaism a part of his life? Do you get to meet his friends and participate actively in his life other than meeting mom? If not, it ain’t gonna work. If so, then there’s some hope. But after ‘several years,’ there’s some serious confronting that has to be done — as much as it pains me to say this — no matter what mama may think.”

Love,
Breakup Girl/Mom