Opening a dialog on October 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My husband and I have both been previously married. My problem is the marriage just isn’t what I thought it would be. His family has never accepted me or my 2 girls & he let’s his ex wife push us around with regards to his 2 children (we have shared custody). This has been going on for 6 years and I don’t see any end in sight. I guess I should also mention that my girls’ biological father rarely sees them, so it would be great if their step-father (husband #2) would actually make an effort to be a father figure with them, but he doesn’t. He is very quiet & brooding. He barely speaks to them, & my youngest (8 years) really needs a daddy. So you see after 6 yrs together you’d think we’d have all of this looked after, but he is the type of guy that just sweeps everything under the carpet in hopes it will all go away. Well it hasn’t & now I think I need to get out. I love him, but I believe that love isn’t enough anymore.

I need help, I have tried to talk to him about splitting up, but he just begs me to give it another shot.

Can you help me????

— Mackenzie

Dear Mackenzie,

Hey, anyone remember that Monty Python sketch that takes place (I think) on a quiz show …

HOST: Name a country where they don’t play tennis at all well.
CONTESTANT: Australia?
HOST: No, try again.
CONTESTANT: Australia?

As far as Breakup Girl can tell, when your husband begs you to “give it another shot,” all you guys do is go, “Australia?” “Australia?” You can’t just go back and try again and, like, cross your fingers and hope it’s different this time. You need to sit down and talk about what can and should be different, and how to get there, gradually. Did you guys talk beforehand about how to Brady your family together? I don’t love that this guy isn’t gaga about your gals, but look, it may not quite have sunk in, when he became a husband again, that there was going to be a built-in Daddy part, too.

Ask him what he needs, what he wants, what he expected, what he can come through on and what he can’t. And figure out what’s most important to you: a husband, a daddy guy, or both? Would it be enough to get, like, a Big Brother person for your daughters? Or would that be too weird — just adding another sorta-there guy into the cast of characters? I don’t know. I’m just trying to think of options other than …. Australia.

Counseling might not be a bad idea, either. But bottom line, if you think you need to get out, then go. Because you’re the mommy, that’s why.

Love,
Breakup Girl