Asking the wrong question on October 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

How do I know if I’m being irrational about an issue? My boyfriend never calls in advance to make plans for the weekend … he’ll call a couple hours before to ask me if I want to hang out. He’s 25, I’m 21, and we have been together for 6 months. When is it time to drop him and move on or continue putting in the effort?

— Renee

Dear Renee,

Okay, that’s really annoying. Here’s the question: when he calls, are you still there?

I mean, it’s possible that he’s one of those people who sucks at making plans. It’s also possible that he’s using you as Plan B, waiting to see what else might materialize before he calls his steady. Well, don’t be so goddamn steady. Make your own plans, with or without him. I’m not saying some fake girlpower thing like, “Teach that boy a lesson, girlfriend!” But I am saying that if you are always available at the last minute, you’re doing what people with and without psychological credentials call “enabling.”

‘Cause the other question is this: when you do go out, is he really there with you?

If, when you are together — in person, on the phone, whatever — he is an Excellent Boyfriend, then fine. He sucks at making plans, but he comes through elsewhere. Your stepping out before he calls once in a while might help him see that this behavior does not only not get him dates, it may also not get him job interviews, etc. You know? So much the better.

But I don’t know, Renee, do you still kind of feel like an afterthought when you actually are with him? Think about this seriously. ‘Cause if so, you might want to call him and let him know that in a couple of minutes, it’s gonna be over.

Love,
Breakup Girl