Totally inappropriate on September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Ok BG I have a good (long) one for ya. First off I am a just turned 20 male sophomore in college. Through the last years of high school most of my friends either moved off due to parents in the military or they went on to different colleges. Some of my old acquaintances went to the local university with me but they are not really the friends of old.

One of the more enjoyable habits I picked up was the local skating rink…as a child I hated it but now it is one of my favorite past-times. The problem stems from this…most people my age do not go skating cause it is uncool. This doesn’t bother me at all but does kinda take away some socializing with people my age (most people my age locally are drunks or druggies, I know there are some good ones out there but they are too hard to find.) Most kids there are around the 11-14 year age range. I am also active in Boy Scouts so I try to be a positive male role model in any way that I can. Many of the children there look up to me as a big brother or even as a father in rare cases. This is a high that none other could rival (except one). While I am there some of the girls confide in me with boy troubles…my main response is to give the relationship one more try then if it doesn’t get better then break up with him.(I feel as if I’m one of your branch offices but I enjoy it the same as you.)

I consider of the these kids my friends and “my kids.” Through scouts I have been put in sole charge of over a dozen pre-teens and having the parents thank me for returning their child safely every time. That has made a mark in my life deeper than any other…I take responsibility of any and all of the children, scouts and skaters. I would lay down my life before I let harm come to any of them.

My strife comes from the development of uncertain feelings for one girl. She is 13 years old. Part number one is that I realize I cannot and will not try to advance on her for she is simply too young. It simply would not be right in any sense for me to tell her how I think I feel. How could a schoolgirl easily resist the show of dating a college student? Also it wouldn’t be fair of me to tell her and prevent her from dating other guys her age…

Right now we are good friends. I help her with everything from difficult homework to guy problems. I even judge her boyfriends, some I find acceptable other I don’t but I don’t stop her from dating the wrong ones. I just remind her of the consequences. I realize that if I tried cushioning her from everything now that she would struggle to fend for herself in the real world as she grows up. Now here comes part number two to mess things up even more. Most of the time I feel and act like a big brother to her more than trying to be a boyfriend to her. I can also read into that last statement as a cover-up for my true feeling for her…who knows? While I know that I cannot tell her my feelings I almost feel compelled to because I don’t want to lose her to someone else. I would have to wait over 5 more years before I could even think of approaching her about this. That’s a long time and many things can happen between now and then. What if she moves? AGGG! So many “what ifs,” they drive me crazy.

She also has strong feelings for me but I cannot tell what kind. Mainly I would say it is a friend the but occasionally I feel that she is trying to cover something up. While I’m at college my hormones do kick in and I can think “that’s a good looking girl” but I can’t imagine beginning with any of them and being happy. Every time I see her it is the other high that none can top. But it makes me sad at the same time cause I cannot resolve this issue in any acceptable way to me. I am scared as hell of being publicly or even self-labeled as a pedophile. To sum it all up, at times I wonder what I would be doing if I hadn’t met her because of all the grief she has indirectly brought me. But I could do it all over again I would choice this grief than to never have met her at all. If you have any words of wisdom please fire away.

— Confused Down South

Dear CDS,

Okay, yeah, speaking of inappropriate relationships … let’s go talk to Belleruth, shall we?

She says: “First of all, we have to commend you for your excellent moral comprehension of the situation and resultant restraint. Which you, as a good boy scout, are obligated to continue.

I suspect that for whatever reason, you’re hungry to be an idealized hero type, and the age difference does the job. You’re into being a good guy and then some. And a young girl will make you over-the-top god-like. (Plus you’re very lonesome for your old buddies.) Add to that a little obsessive thinking… like you can’t get your mind off this once it’s on it. So look at it this way: if you really want to be the hero, do continue to do so by leaving her alone. If she is indeed a keeper, she’ll keep for a few years. At which time the gap between you will have narrowed and you might be able to judge her as an equal. This will require that you look at her in a whole new way; as is, it’s too creepy and skewed.

In the meantime, you should explore your motives even further. Try out your romancing on someone your age — even if you don’t feel like it, ’cause you’re obsessively stuck, anyway. Think of it as the good and noble thing to do. And when you’re ready, you’ll be able to entertain a relationship that’s a little more even, because you will — we hope — have weaned yourself off being so idolized.”

So practice what it feels like to have someone look at you, not up to you. We bet it’ll be even more satisfying, actually. Maybe even the biggest high of all.

Love,
BR and BG