Holding it together on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My ex and I broke up about a year ago. We were mismatched in every way but one, and a lot of bad things happened. We still have a lot of mutual friends online, even though he’s told all his friends that I’m insane/delusional/dangerous. For my part, I did most of my most vehement bitching to people who didn’t know him.

A couple of days ago, he posted a long and uncalled for summary of some of the worst things that happened between us to a usenet group, because he thought I was snarking at his wife. (They’ve been married for a couple of months, I guess.) He’s under the mistaken impression that I’m conducting a smear campaign against him, when even my closest friends say that the worst thing they’ve ever heard me say about him is that I ought to have known better, and that he still owes me money. (He did, at the time. We’ve since settled.)

I just hate it that he’s implying that he has a life, simply because he and some fat blue-haired chick got married in the park; because I’m single by choice, and spending my spare time going out with friends, doing volunteer work and generally living the life I want to live, mine doesn’t count.

So anyway, there’s about long screed about how evil I am floating around usenet. In it he made some false accusations that I can’t just let stand there.

I wrote to him privately advising him that his outburst was in poor taste, and the response I received was threatening, in an oblique way, like he had some kind of way to ruin my reputation even more than it already is.

I don’t know what to do, how to respond to this creep calmly and not in a manner that will further exacerbate the situation.

He *is* a creep. I really *should* have known better. I’ve tried very hard to put the year and a half I spent with him behind me, but it’s very hard when he keeps bringing it up. I feel like if I leave the group, he wins.

Advice? Please?

— Amanda

Dear Amanda,

From what little I know about usenet-iquette, it seems to me that by trying to make you look bad, he winds up looking worse. He posted stuff about things that happened between you two?! I can’t imagine that anyone thought that was cool or credible. But if you really want to rebut, do so. Once. Clearly and factually and coldly. Then drop it. And if you choose to leave the group, you don’t lose. He’s the one spending all his spare time raising all the out-of-line questions. You win by filling yours with friends, volunteer work, and the RL you want to live.

Love,
Breakup Girl