Keeping things interesting on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Is there something in between having sex and not having sex??? Because if there is, I need to know what it is in order to hang onto a guy after the third date!

See, in December I fell for this guy and we clicked — tons of e-mail, great two dates, great phone conversations, he bought me a plane ticket so I could end my visit home early and see him. Well, he picked me up from the airport, we did the deed, he dumped me over e-mail the next day saying I gave it up too easy.

Gun shy and hurt, I spend the next several months healing, working hard in my profession and building inner-strength. Then last Saturday night I go out with this *great* guy and we have an absolutely fabulous 11 hour date. He couldn’t wait to see me again so we met up the next night. That night he arrives with lips and hands in motion, makes the move, I (learning from the past) ask if we can hold off, he runs. It was like having the Roadrunner exiting my apartment (meep! meep!).

You sleep with a guy — he bolts.

You don’t sleep with a guy — he bolts.

So back to my original question. Is there something between having sex and not having sex where a girl can keep her self-respect AND get to the fourth date?

— Bitten Smitten Kitten

Dear Kitten,

Okay, big eeeeuw on both boys. But you’re lucking out here with a special guest answer from Actual Guy Chris Pizzo, co–author of What Men Want and, I’m sure, frequent fourth-date-getter-toer:

“Guys who sleep with women too early on in the relationship will classify that woman as a Good For Now Girl, not a woman with wife potential. This guy actually did you a favor by bolting. Normally, when a guy has a GFN girl on the hook, especially one that he is having sex with, he will keep her on the hook, string her along, just to have sex and companionship and ultimately hurt her. You’re lucky he bolted and didn’t string you along.

The second guy also did you a favor by bolting. He was obviously in it for sex and sex only. So he bolted! Better for you. You wouldn’t want to be with a guy like this.

In What Men Want we talk about signs and signals. In both of your examples you describe ‘great’ situations. The difference is, ask the guys what they were thinking. I’m sure their interpretation would be quite different. Knowing how to read the signs and signals men send off would have alerted you or at least cautioned you about these guys. You would have been able to see things through their eyes and I bet it wouldn’t have been as pretty a picture as you painted.

In specifc response to your question, yes there is an in between. It is called WAITING! Do what you feel comfortable with but err on the side of caution. If a guy bolts because you won’t give it up then he has done you a tremendous favor. If the relationship is strong he will be completely comfortable with waiting and will respect you more. It will be all the more special when it does finally happen.”

All excellent/ugly points, to which I would like to add one more. Well, actually just finesse the last one. BG will not — well rarely — yell at you for not keeping three feet on the floor on the first date. I hear about so many bland dates that it’s nice to hear about a sizzler once in while. However. Cool thing is, waiting is not just something you do to “keep the guy interested.” It’s something you do to make sure that the emotional stuff doesn’t have to sprint to catch up with the physical stuff — it often gets tired on the way. And when you do, I promise you a hot raunchy night of non-stop self-respect.

Okay? Write me when you hit four.

Love,
Breakup Girl