No way out on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been with the same person for 2 and a half years now, and things have been really good–the best I’ve ever had. However, since I’m 25, and most of my friends are around that age too, the big topic/issue/event of this past summer should be obvious–yup, weddings. Goin’ to ’em, bein’ in ’em, bridal showers, engagement parties, flowers, dresses everything. Luckily, it’s mainly “other” people, not close friends. (A co-worker; my best friend’s old high school chum; the son of some of my parents’ friends, etc.)

But—and this is an important but—it is driving me absolutely insane. Normally a reasonable and logical person, I am finding myself alternating between renting movies or surfing web sites or talking to engaged people, basically doing having to do with weddings OR feeling the urge to dump my boyfriend, quit my job, and flee the country. Hike around Europe by myself, work in a coffee shop, basically pretend I’m still 19. Or pick up guys in some random bar. Something. Anything but wearing white. All of which would be fine if it weren’t for the dreams. Yup. Normally sane me has been having terrible anxiety dreams where I get married but I don’t want to, where my boyfriend catches me kissing other guys, everything. I want to marry this guy, eventually. Maybe even in a year or two. I just want to stop being bombarded by this whole mudslide of marriage details while I’m trying to figure out my own life. (And yes, I know, the magazines/movies/stores have always been there, I just never noticed.)

My questions: First of all, how do I get a grip? Second, do most people go through this kind of mental trauma when they are trying to transition themselves into adulthood and marriage, or is my subconcious trying to tell me something?

— Pre-pre-pre Marital Girl

Dear PMG,

Now try doing that without a boyfriend.

But either way, actually, I think your situation is easily analyzed. “Before,” you could just have a boyfriend and do girlfriendy things. But now you have entered The Wedding Zone. (Not to mention turned 25, when EVERYTHING changes. Grownup rites of passage occur left and right: you take a definitive step toward that place where What You Do is Who You Are, you actually frame your posters, and, well, you go to weddings.) And when you enter the WZ, you start tripping wires. You start thinking, “Hey, those married people aren’t, like, big old grownups named Luke and Laura; they’re my peers! Could this happen … to me?” The whole thing can certainly cast a whole new harsh naked lightbulb on a relationship that had been doing just fine, thank you very much.

So the way to get a grip is to go, “Duh! For the reasons that Breakup Girl described, of course this is flipping me out!” The marriage flood may not stop, PMG; you’re just going to have yo give yourself a few coats of perspective and let it bead off. That’s what you should do regardless of what your nightmarish subconscious is telling you. If you do (a) wanna get married, and (b) think you might wanna marry this guy, then fine. What else do you need to know? But just in case, at the next wedding you attend (like, tomorrow, no doubt), watch the couple exchange vows. Squint really hard and picture yourselves there, saying words like “forever” and “death.” Can you picture it? At least, like, maybe, eventually? Even with a side of heebie jeebies? I betcha you can.

And remember, PMG, you don’t have to dump your boyfriend in order to hike around Europe by yourself and work in a coffee shop for a spell. If you’re thinking that relationships — not to mention marriasge — are all or nothing, no wonder you’ve having anxiety dreams.

Love,
Breakup Girl