Making a move on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I like this boy I barely know, but I know him well enough to know his name. We are both in the same grade, 8th. I’m not the type of person to ask someone out, I’m afraid I’ll be rejected. Plus he’s going out with someone and I doubt he knows who I am.

All the other people say that I should flirt with him, say hi and stuff, but it’s hard on me cause im kinda shy. What am I supposed to do, walk up to him and just say, “Hi!” That’s kinda awkward for me.

His girl’s locker is in the same aisle as mine and he’s there. I never said a word to him, same for him to me. But if he breaks up, I KNOW for a fact that he won’t go with me. He likes those preppy girls that wear their hair in a bob, a messy ponytail, flares, (I wear flares) with those plaid or checkered button up shirts that they wear over white tees.

NO guy has ever asked me out in 2 years! I have a feeling that I may be ugly. When I look in the mirror, I look fine, but when I look in the 3-way mirror I look demented! My nose is crooked and everything.

What can I do to make it *normal*? How can I make myself look and feel better??

–Unloved

Dear Unloved,

First of all, the “type of person” who is afraid they’ll be rejected is … a person. No one doesn’t fear rejection; it’s just that, yes, there is a type of person who can clench her fists, step over the terror, and say, “You busy for homecoming?” In other words, if you’re gonna ask someone out, don’t wait for the fear to subside. It’s not going anywhere. But if you can ignore the fear, maybe you’ll be on your way to the sock hop.

But no, you’re not gonna ask this guy out. Say hi, sure, for practice, but: he’s got a girlfriend. Talk about setting yourself up for disappointment. Also, no poaching.

And beyond that, Unloved, I totally know that it KILLS to have no one ask you out when you are surrounded on all sides by flirty flarey couples. But you haven’t sold me on your “ugly” theory. Breakup Girl can practically guarantee you that at this stage in life, boys are not paying attention to detail, like a nose whose alleged crookedness is detectible only in a complicated mirror. Boys respond to a blunt, blurry, overall sense of attraction that makes them feel kind of funny, like when they climb the rope in gym class.

So. What you can do to make yourself look better is to feel better. Or, actually, to act better. Ever since you decided you had the Wicked Nose of the West, have you been, like, hanging your head and shuffling around shyly? I’m willing to put money on it. Listen, Unloved: tomorrow morning, put on your absolute favorite outfit (also, eat a good breakfast). The one that just fits and looks right, phat, all that. Practice striding, not trudging. Miss Thing is in the house! Find your best friend and look fierce together — just because you do. Notice how that feels. Your assignment: practice summoning that feeling at will. Which will also help you summon a different boy — one whom you now realize has been in your league all along. No three ways about it.

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. My column(s) on Looks might also help.