Dear Breakup Girl,

In an little less than six months, I will be thirty. I have an exciting career, many hobbies, friends and lots of other really cool, ultimate total stuff. I am happier with my life and my self than I ever have been in my entire life. (You can hum “I am Woman” for this letter if you want!! )

(I hope Breakup Mom is proud.)

I do not have a boyfriend, a fiance, a husband. My problem, BG?: I really couldn’t care less. No really, I mean it.

Assorted members of my family are doing that “Your’e getting up there…” routine. Friends are trying to push me out the door with their brothers, the mailman and (I think) the local Blockbuster manager. They are saying man-trap things like “Your standards are too high” — You don’t want to be alone, do you?” — and my personal favorite: “Aren’t you concerned with starting a family?” I’ve also got a couple of friends who are totally freaking out and would marry just about anyone — they make me really really want to yack.

I am planning a solo trip to the City of Lights (Paris) for my birthday & have lots of things to look forward to. In my professional life, I am far too busy to really deal with a boyfriend for now (or the god-awful hunt for one). I’d rather go antiquing, take a yoga class, get a massage or read another travel book in my personal search for the ultimate baguette. My attitude is: if I find him while doing something I like to do — then I have a better chance of meeting someone with common interests than I do of meeting someone at a Saturday night singles dance thing, complete with the Electric Slide and Jello shots.

I have often told my immediate family and my friends that I have no desire to have children, that finding a hubby is not goal one. If I have the choice between being a CEO and an MRS, I’ll see you in the boardroom, baby. I really like kids, by the way — I just don’t think it is fair to have kids and then never see them. I’d make a great aunt, but a really lousy mommy.

It is not that I don’t want a romantic relationship, but I do not consider finding one, keeping one and proclaiming one my primary goal as a soul in this universe. It just breaks my heart to think about some of those “I’m sixteen — what’s wrong with me?” sistas that write in, because nothing is wrong with them. SO WHY DO I KEEP HAVING TO TELL FAMILY AND FRIENDS THAT I AM FINE AND DANDY THANK YOU VERY MUCH WITHOUT A MAN?

I’ve even hit the point where my father asked me if I was a lesbian. I kept him going for about two days and then I said “even if I was one, I still wouldn’t be looking for a relationship.” So then he was a) relieved but then b) pissed because I still do not care if I don’t have a husband and I’m hitting thirty. “You know, you live in the New York area, your selections go way down — you’ve always been an attractive girl, honey, but never beautiful. Now is the time.”

I have tried humor, I have tried biting sarcasm, I have tried (don’t tell BreakUp Mom) I-have-a-vibrator-and-a-battery-recharger, I have tried yelling and I have tried not showing up to family occasions.So BG — how would a Superhero get ’em off her back? Yet another BG groupie —

— Abigail

Dear Abigail,

Don’t hate me, but I wouldn’t get them off my back. I mean, I couldn’t. That is: you can’t. They are not going anywhere. You are not going to convince them of anything. They do/will not believe you. Mainly because much of this is not about you.

About your parents. In this matter, they are being … parents. Which means they are worrying about their child and praying for — even enforcing, in their own addled way — her happiness. That is, their “I’m cold, put on a sweater” idea of her happiness. They are being as much Parents as you are being Cool Independent Single Woman. You are all just doing your jobs.

Oh, and also, THEY WANT GRANDCHILDREN. That biological grandfather clock is going BONG-BONG, bigtime.

As for the others, well, remember: people march up to pregnant women and tell them what to eat. Why should it be any different for — God forbid — non-pregnant women? They, too, are just trying to “help.”

This suuuuuuucks, but you’re going to have to smile and turn the other — I’m sure very beautiful — cheek. If you ‘re as badass and secure and sure as you say you are, are it actually shouldn’t be all that difficult.

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. Paragraph 5: Excellent plan. Everyone go reread that.

This advice was originally published September 14, 1998.