Dear Breakup Girl,

This may sound pathetic, but I haven’t been single a day in my life since I was 15. I’m 26 now. I’ve had several boyfriends, it’s just that they’ve overlapped one another. I didn’t do this purposely (consciously), it just ended up this way. Anyhoo, I think I might be having an identity crisis. I just want to be alone, autonomous, independent, you know what I mean? But I’m in this relationship with this guy, and we’ve been together for about 5 years. I don’t think I’ve been in love with him for a few years, though. I think I just stayed with him because, well, that’s what I always did. So now we’re all wrapped up in this whole relationship business, and it really is like a business, joint checking, bills, car payments, etc. I feel stuck and trapped and confused. My girlfriends say, “Oh, you just get like this. You’ll get over it and marry him.” I need some unbiased advice. I know this guy wants to marry me, and I have to believe it’s because he knows he can’t do any better, or maybe he just wants it more than I do. I don’t know. That’s a terrible thing to say, but that’s the way it is. He’s been hammering at me for 5 years to marry him. We got engaged two years ago and I just went along with it because we had been living together and my folks were raising their eyebrows. Everything I’ve done so far has been for the wrong reasons, although I had good intentions along the way in some cases. I feel sorry for him; he’s had a rough life, and I haven’t made things easy for him. But I can’t hardly stand him anymore, or this life we’re “living.” It’s more like a rut. We moved 700 miles away because we thought that would help, but it hasn’t. It’s me, but he won’t accept that no matter how many times I say it’s over. I guess I don’t leave because I’m scared to death about being alone, even though it seems like the only answer. I could just go on and on, Breakup Girl. I know you don’t have all the answers, but I’m sick of being a mess and I’m not getting any younger. Maybe you can give me some good advice instead of, “Don’t worry, it will pass.” I appreciate any consideration you give to my problems. And thanks for “listening.” Just writing it down has helped a little.

— Jezebel

Dear Jezebel,

It won’t pass. Odd, though, what does pass for better-than-being-alone security.

Yeah, being alone is scary if you’re not used to it — and heck, even if you are. But here’s a good sign: you wrote. All by yourself. You are — finally — trusting your gut that yeah, maybe you should worry. I mean, sure, maybe you’re just “afraid of commitment,” maybe you’re just “not ready,” whatever — but I’m kind of thinking that after five years, “not the right time” and “not the right guy” are pretty much the same. If you bail (hint, hint), you will not be alone. You have friends (I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW IT’S NOT THE SAME but it helps), friends who, as far as I can tell, are sincerely doing the friend job of telling you what they think you want to hear. If you bail (hint, hint) and are sad and lonely, I’m pretty sure they’ll know that you will want to hear that you did the right thing. But, especially since you’ve like never been single, “alone” and “autonomous” are not, um, synonymous. You will have to take some steps to actually build an independent life. You will want more than anything to ask a nice man for help. Which is exactly the purpose-defeating, vicious-cycle irony. And the next rut you’ll have to drive out of, in a one-seater. Good luck.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published September 14, 1998.