Getting ugly on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am 22 years old and never had a relationship. Every guy I met has used me for money and sex. I have always been so nice and caring, the most sweetest person to men, even helping them out financially when they need it. (I don’t want to get into the amount of money I gave men, because you probably will be shocked.) From the age of 17, I started sleeping with men just for the hopes of a relationship, so they’d like me, etc., plus they told me all the things I wanted to hear. Me being very shy and unattractive, I would become very happy from hearing a compliment. I also learned that if I said no to sex, the guy would leave and I’d never see him again. However, last year one guy did not accept “no” and I was raped. The whole court ordeal lasted one year and I was not able to date anyone. Yes, I did go to rape therapy for that year. It helped, because I still didn’t give up on men after that. I basically just dealt with it and accepted it. When I was finally able to start seeing men again, my friend hooked me up with this guy. It took me a while to trust him, but finally I did and I slept with him (which was a pretty big step for me at this point). Of course, he didn’t want to be my boyfriend, but to me that was “normal.” I just blamed it on my looks. I found out he was married. This devastated me because again, I trusted someone and shame on me. I think I have heard all the lines by now. I saw another guy for two weeks right after the married one, but he didn’t want to be my boyfriend either, even though I spent every day with him. I took care of him when he was sick in bed for several days. I gave him rides all the time in my car. He told me he loved me, even though sometimes he put me down about my weight and how I looked. But I never slept with him, so he ended up leaving me. He got in a relationship with some one else within a matter of days. I could go on and on about the many other guys I’ve tried to be with, but I’ll spare you the misery. They all have practically the same scenario, same ending. I really feel that all I am good enough for is sex and my money. It hurts to think that all I did for each guy didn’t mean nothing to them. Sometimes it hurts to look in the mirror. Please help me.

–Melanie

Dear Melanie,

Here are some wise words from Belleruth: “Even if you were the ugliest woman in America (which of course you are not)[Jocelyne Wildenstein is. — BG] that wouldn’t explain this treatment. In fact, if you were to look around you, you’d see some pretty strange, ugly-ish looking (in the conventional sense) women leading their men around by the nose. You can have tremendous sex appeal. If you like your body and yourself and have a nice, juicy interest in sex.

So there it is. It’s your big league self-hatred and only that which explains all this. That’ll make anyone homely. You might as well be wearing a sign that says, I AM WORTHLESS SO JUST GO AHEAD AND USE ME. That attitude of expecting to be exploited and offering ways to help it happen can get even a pretty non-exploitative guy to see you as an object. It’s very, very contagious.

So most of all, you need an attitude readjustment — toward yourself. Therapy, a support group, whatever. If having a makeover or getting on board with a diet would improve your attitude, then that would be fine too. But the problem is not with the guys — although I’m sure you’ve found some real winners, given what you think you deserve. As long as you think you’re the lowest of the low, what are you gonna get but scum?”

Please consider Belleruth’s advice, Melanie. We wanna see you looking in the mirror.

Love,
BG/BR

PS: Same goes for you, Liz/Renee. Life might seem unfair, but you’re the fairest of them all.