Paging Jerry Springer on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I urgently need some advice. You are the first person who can probably give me some kind of feedback on this very touchy subject. Last September, I was going out with a great guy, things happened and we split. Not even a week later, a friend that my ex introduced me to went into the store that my mother owns and professed his love for me. He is very good looking, treats me like a queen, owns a very successful business…..What’s the problem, you say. Well he does has one major flaw, he’s married with 2 kids. Not by choice, I can tell you that. They don’t get along, they argue all the time, she doesn’t appreciate him. I know, I know, that no one should ever get involved with a married man because he is a liar and a cheat. But he is soooo different. His wife went away last week and we were so together and so happy. We have been together since March and we have never argued. We both live in a very small town (700 people) and I’m sure people are talking. I haven’t gotten involved with any other man and believe me there have been some very close calls. He got quite upset at me last week because I kissed an ex of mine. Obviously, he gets very jealous for some reason. We have professed our love for each other. I was supposed to move away for a really good job and I pretty much had it if I would have went down. When he found out, he cried and pleaded to me not to go. Then hired me as his secretary. What is going on in his head? I don’t understand it at all. Things wouldn’t be so bad if we hadn’t made love, but we have quite a few times. I have fallen in love with him and I am so scared that I will be the one who is hurt…again. Maybe I deserve it. He puts me up on a pedestal, unfortunately, his wife is holding it. Isn’t he scared that I might be like one of those psychos like on Jerry Springer that might go tell his wife of the affair? But in my opinion, I shouldn’t be the one to say a word. I really need your help Breakup Girl! I will really appreciate it. Thanks again.

— Emotionally Hungover

Dear EH,

Yes, I understand that you love him.

Yes, he is “different.” He is a liar and a cheat AND a creepy weirdo. The only thing that makes me more nervous about the fact that he pleaded for you not to take that good job and hired you instead is that you actually accepted.

Yes, the whole town knows. His wife, too.

Yes, you should be the one to say a word. No, three. “I quit” and “Goodbye.”

Yes, he will resist and beg and plead. Yes, this will hurt both of you terribly. In the short run. And while you may be responsible for icky consequences, you don’t, like, “deserve” them.

But no, Breakup Girl cannot stand the thought of your wasting your time, stalling your career, and risking your heart for something that really just started out as a “Nobody loves me! I get only guys I can’t have!” high-stakes rebound. Please call and see if that job — or one like it — might be open. ‘Cause otherwise, pretty much every door is closed to you. Except Jerry Springer’s. Eeeuw.

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. See, Brad? Waaaaay bigger soap.