A bit confused on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I broke up with my last girlfriend a little over a year ago, and haven’t had any kind of satisfactory relationship since then. I’ve dated one girl four times but have not have not been intimate with anyone. My last relationship ended badly from my perspective from a lack of sensitivity about my needs and feelings; she would say we didn’t have sex often enough.

Since the breakup my attitude has been good, but because of a couple of rejections since then, and my last relationship ending badly I have been feeling a strong sense of alienation from the opposite sex and have had a harder time approaching new women. I have as of late started to question my sexual orientation and have been looking at pictures of transvestite/transexual girls on the net. My question is could these feelings be caused by rejection by women in the hopes that a trans-gendered female would understand my feelings and needs better? Or am I gay and have been suppressing those feelings for 42 years? I have always beeen attracted to a smaller percentage of women compared to the “normal man” and do not usually feel sexually aroused unless there is an emotional attachment also. (I am not turned on by men at all.) Should I explore these new feelings?

— Confused

Dear Confused,

First of all, let go of the ideal of the “normal” man. Ain’t no such cat, kid. No point in making self-dis-serving comparisons.

Second, let’s say — just for the sake of argument — that you are gay. How much would that suck for you? Seriously. Do you have strongly yukky feelings about gayness? It’s okay — psychologically — if you do; I’m totally not trying to corner you. Here’s what I’m getting at. According to Belleruth, “Some guys just have a low testosterone-count, and, though they’re not gay, they’re just not very into sex. (Same for women.) However, a substantial number of these guys are gay and don’t know it, but they have such strong judgments about — against — it, it doesn’t even come up as a possiblity in their heads.” Something to consider. Another thing you could do, she says — which actually might be fun — is look at what your enduring sexual fantasies have been. Just as clues. Maybe explore this with a therapist.

Recommended reading: books by Pat Love (I know, I know; it’s her real name), who has a great, relaxed way of talking about sexuality and all its funny twists and continuums.

So, Confused, do not take this as any sort of medical diagnosis or official decree: you may very well have some good ol’fashioned gay feelings to explore. Or you might need some interesting and kinky stuff to loosen up a very strangled libido. Or something in the middle. The point is exactly that: to explore. Thoughtfully, non-self-blamingly, and safely.

Love,
Breakup Girl