Down and out on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m attractive but overweight, therefore, no one even gives me a second look. Every time I meet someone in a bar, he’s “bar quality.” I don’t like church socials and I don’t have friends (they left with my last relationship). How do I start over?

— Where Can I Find Someone?

Dear Where,

With an attitude makeover. In the meantime, I’ll try to get a cliche makeover. But it’s true. Look, BG will always readily acknowledge that often, in our boniness-is-next-to-goddessliness culture, the larger one is, the harder it is — paradoxically — for one to be/feel “seen.” BUT. Sounds to me like people do give you a second look. You do meet guys in bars; you just don’t like them. You had at least one relationship, which is actually more than a lot of “thin” people who write to me can say. I’m not saying you’re being ungrateful or not “looking on the bright side;” I’m just saying you might be projecting more than necessary of the dating angst we all have onto your own weight. And then what you’ve got is a big fat self-fulfilling prophecy.

I would also start with the friends part. For a million reasons, not the least of which is that if you land a boyfriend first, then make only boyfriend-linked friends, and then happen to break up, you’ll be back to square one all over again. But friends are, like, the one thing that Martha Stewart has not shown us how to make. Which leaves me only with dorky-but-apt advice: it’s all about activities. Skip the bars. If you can stand it, square your shoulders and try one more church social. I know I know I know I know I know. But stay with me. Find out not just who people are, but what they do: maybe you’ll fall in with some hikers, some Buffy-lovers, some reading-groupie wannabes? Or maybe, better yet, you’ll come up with some stuff you want to do and make the invitations yourself. And what about work? I know that work friends are not always the same as friend friends, but it’s a start. You could host a single-women-and-their-non-office-friends brunch at a local restaurant. I don’t know, anything to get some Brownian motion going in your life. Oh, and there are also a million platonic mix ‘n’ meet opportunities on line.

Love,
Breakup Girl