Sh*t is about to get real on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

First I just have to say I really enjoy reading your advice and it has helped me through some tough choices. Now I had better get to the point. I am 17 y/o female who lives in Canada and I have been “dating” a 19 y/o guy from Germany. It is an online relationship. Neither of us believed in “online love” until it happened to us. First we were friends and then one thing led to another… we have been together for a year. Anyway we both really love each other, but sometimes I feel he loves me more. I know he is great– sweet, honest, loving, funny– but for some reason I find myself overlooking those things. Lately I have been stuck on “do we have a future together” and “is he the one?” You are probably wondering why I am worrying about such major issues when we only have an “online” relationship. The answer is, in fact, he has an opportunity to come visit me in about 3 months. We had began to plan a couple other trips early in our relationship but for various reasons, namely money, things didn’t work out. I am glad that they didn’t then because I wasn’t “ready” for such a big step. Now though, the latest opportunity seems great! When I have first heard about it I was so thrilled beyond belief. But now the time is approaching that he must buy a plane ticket, etc. within the next few weeks. I am now beginning to panic. A major problem is asking my parents, whom I don’t have a very open relationship with. (Maybe Breakup Mom has some tips.) Lately (in my panic state) I have been wondering more and more about if he is “the one” and if its worth us meeting. It will cost him a few grand and his holiday time, but it is costing me nothing. Still I don’t know if we should meet. Can you PLEASE help me… I need an answer ASAP and well if you can’t help then somehow I’m going to have to decide on my own. *Scary.*

Thanks a million.
— Confused in Canada

Dear Confused,

Hmm, maybe Breakup Mom does have some tips. Let’s see.

“All your feelings are absolutely appropriate–and sane. IF there were not so much money etc. at stake for German Guy, I’d say go ahead and meet. But this is a big deal–a big sacrifice for him. It’s so easy to stay in touch online. Don’t push it. Get to know each other better. There’s still lots and lots of time. And someday, when money and time are less of a problem, or when a trip is in the works for one of you anyway, you can meet and see what happens. If you’re right for each other now, you’ll be even MORE right later, when there’s less at stake. The pressure is so high now, the likelihood of its working out is correspondingly low.

“In the meantime, perhaps you can devote some effort to trying to establish a more open relationship with your mother…which can be even more important (and maybe more rewarding in the long run) than your relationship with German Guy. Once you and he have decided to postpone this Big Trip, which I hope you will, I urge you to consider broaching the subject slowly and carefully with your mother, discussing it with her, and leading her to see how mature and thoughtful you’ve been. It may be a way to finally open lines of communication in your own home (as well as help to prepare for a someday visit from German Boy).”

(See where I get it? And I like to give Breakup Mom the floor now and then, ’cause God knows someone’sdaughter should take her advice.)

Love,
Breakup Girl