A cautionary tale from July 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend of a year broke up with me about a month and a half ago, but I still love him very much. I can’t seem to get over him even though he’s been a real jerk to me. All my friends and family said I should break all ties with him, but I can’t. When he broke up with me he said that it was probably only temporary and that he just needed some space. Well, two weeks later he ended up seeing another girl (Jamie) and according to him he likes her a lot. When we broke up he told me he wasn’t going to see anybody because that’s what he wanted to get away from. I’m still trying everything I can to get him back. Right now things between us are really strange. We are only friends, but he kisses me and has sex with me. Recently I asked if he was still seeing her and he said no. Well, according to my x-bestfriend they still are. I believe her because lately he’s been cancelling on me a lot. Recently I did find out from my x-bestfriend that my x-boyfriend cancelled our date just to see Jamie. He also doesn’t want me to see guys. It’s like he wants to date other people but he wants to keep me for himself. I don’t know what to do, help.

— Sarah

Dear Sarah,

I’m totally, totally sorry you’re hurting so bad. You guys: when you’re breaking up with someone, don’t soften the blow by … out and out lying. If the breakup truly is intended to be temporary and you just need some space and don’t want to date anyone for a while, then fine, say so. But this example should show you that when you try that hard to protect your ex-to-be’s feelings — or, in fact, to protect your image as the good guy — you wind up hurting them more. Okay?

But Sarah, what rattles me most about your letter is the way you phrased this: “He kisses me and has sex with me.” Did you notice how you described your hooking up as this thing that he decides, that he does, TO you. It’s like you aren’t even there. I totally understand why you want the action to happen, but pleeeeeease make it stop. IT WILL NOT MAKE HIM “COME BACK.” This is going to sound really harsh, but he’s doing it not because he loves you, but because he … can. And until he CAN’T — which is something you’re just going to have to grit your teeth and tell him — then you can’t get over him. So be strong; just do it. Because Breakup Girl can’t stand the thought of you being a kept woman for one more day.

Love,
Breakup Girl