Still obsessing on July 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I like the advice you gave to “Wondering” about the happy birthday card. I sent a birthday card to my ex on her birthday — I got no response and I was so pissed because I thought that was really big of me. At any rate, we haven’t talked in 14 weeks, (but who’s counting). My question is, how do I find out without calling directly, what’s up with her, if she’s seeing someone else, if she’s fallen off the face of the earth? Or should I just forget her?

Also, during the course of our relationship I gained fifteen pounds. I’m supposed to start Jenny Craig tomorrow. In my dreams I run into her totally coincidentally, I look fabulous and she’s with her ugly new flame.

Am I being totally delusional about this whole thing? HELP ME…..

— Salty

Dear Salty,

Well, by now I hope you’ve gotten the point about sending a card ONLY as a pure expression of good will, with no strings/SASE attached — not as proof of bigger-personhood, nor, in your case, as an info-seeker. So look, if you really want to find out about her, get a spy to find out for you. Once.

While we’re on the subject of expecting or attaching certain “necessary” results to our actions, let me just mention my other wee concern here. If you really feel the need to do the Jenny Craig thing, fine, more power to ya. But do me a favor and don’t, in your mind, make those 15 pounds (which aren’t that much! unless you’re a chihuahua) “mean” something about the relationship during which they appeared. Like that having them “means” she’s still in your life and that losing them “means” you’re over her. Uh-uh. Do it for Salty.

But if you eventually want to send a Christmas photo-postcard of the all-new you, then I suppose Breakup Girl would understand.

Love,
Breakup Girl