Put out of her misery on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m SO in love with this guy at my school. We have a REALLY small school, so everybody knows everybody else, and their business too. This means that “my guy” knows I like him. He used to flirt quite a bit with me. Then my friends told him I liked him. They told me that they told him. Then, one day out of the blue, he told some of my friends that he doesn’t like it when I flirt with him, and that he doesn’t like me “in that way.” They told me for one reason, and one reason only, so I wouldn’t get more hurt in the long run. My friends are very sensitive and caring, so I KNOW they’re not lying. I’m still hurt by this. Every once in a while he’ll talk to me, but not very often. Now that summer is approaching, and both him and I live on farms, we’ll NEVER see each other. I’ve had loads of guys ask me out before, it’s just that I only like one guy, and I CAN’T HAVE HIM!! How can I go about getting him to like me?? How can I get him to ask me out?? PLEASE HELP ME!!

— Hurt and Confused Chick

Dear Hurt and Confused,

Oh, dear. Listen, sweetie, this is going to sound really easy for me to say — and really crappy for you to hear — but you can rarely GET anyone to like you or GET anyone to ask you out. Especially someone who has already spelled out that he doesn’t like (a) it when you flirt, or (b) you, in “that way.” To me, that spells D-E-A-D E-N-D. The fact that summer is approaching underscores this, but it also offers a dim/grim ray of hope. I mean, if you guys live that far away from each other, there’s not even any subtle way to tiptoe yourself into his consciousness; you can’t be like, “Oh, hey, Ed, I was just passing through your cornfield wearing lipstick and pumps.” On the flipside, NOT being in close (i.e. school) quarters with this guy may give you the distance you need to help push your feelings down the long road to Fading. You are not going to believe me — especially given the teenyness of your community — but there will be others, others who can figure out that they like you all by themselves.

Love,
Breakup Girl