Getting out of bed on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently met a guy online who was so sweet and a real friend, or so I thought. He had good reasons for breaking up, but he says he wants to be friends, which is fine with me, but he is avoiding me. I am older than him, and this has really destroyed my ego. I should mention that I have been stuck in the house for 3 years, I have a herniated disc, sciatica, and arthritis in my hips, and I am much too young for this. I am in almost constant pain; my friends have sort of cut me out of their life, because I was bed-bound for so long. The last two weeks were great; but now the pain is coming back even worse.All the guys I meet online (which is ok with my husband, so long as I am faithful) are really nice at first, but after awhile when my back acts up, they get impatiant, which I can understand, as being in so much pain is a drag, for me, and for my friends. My husband is just not the romantic type and I need some happiness in my life (we fight frequently)! Yet I have no wish to hurt or leave him. What do I do, Breakup Girl? I am very depressed, I’m even taking Prozac, and because of the pain I’m in can’t work. There is also another guy online that I have feelings for but he doesn’t treat me very well. And one other that shares a relationship with me that is so special. Can you give me some advice? I do not wish to hurt anyone, but it seems that I am the one being hurt. Help!!! Thank you so much, I hope one day to be well enough in body, mind, and spirit to help others with their problems. I was able to do that at one time, but since this pain began, I cannot even help myself. If there is anything you can do to help me I would be so appreciative, and also on the road to recovery and helping others again as I used to. Light and Love.
— L

But wait, there’s more.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I wrote to you earlier this morning. I am sorry if my letter wasn’t the most coherent…I only discoverd you today and didn’t even know the format the letter should take. My problems run even deeper than I stated in my earlier letter. Right now, I am simply in too much pain to get it together and write a simple letter. Both exterior and interior pain. I know that I will be visiting your site often, and I don’t want to get off on the wrong footing! I read some of the letters and replies (I cannot stay on my PC for too long due to pain) and they gave me a better handle on how to write to you, and to write a rough draft first, which I usually would do if not in such physical pain. I hope that you answer my letter; I feel like I am in a desperate situation right now, but I am sure that many others feel the same and rightly so. As a new convert, I am so glad to have found this site. I would read every bit of it now, but it hurts too much to sit and type (although the boredom of spending 3 years in the house is enough to make one climb the walls after a time). Thank you so much for any help that you can give me…I will write a more coherent letter in the near future. Meanwhile, bless you and your helpers for providing a service much needed.

— L

Dear L,

Thanks/you’re welcome.

I’m terribly sorry to hear about how much pain you’re suffering. But, um, I think you might be in a little trouble with Belleruth. Who is at her badassest in today’s column.

Here goes. Sorry, L., it ain’t pretty — but I do think it will help.

“If you’re ‘s getting some fun out of these online romances, then why do you start whining to them about your back pain, thus screwing it all up? Well, Breakup Belleruth will tell you why. Heheheh. Sounds like you’re getting too much ‘secondary gain’ out of being ill. There are definitely things you can do to alleviate the pain. The question is, are you doing them in any consistent way? You should be going to a physiotherapist. Even acupuncture and meditation can be a huge help. There’s a variety of exercises and meds that could help you out. And think about finding someone else to talk to about it if being online makes it worse.

But my bet is your identity is now too locked up in being an ‘invalid,’ and you’re attached to the pain. In fact, you’re wearing it like a banner. You’ve got to do some work on yourself before you can let the situation improve. Bottom line, you need to get off your butt and get going. This is no way to live, and ultimately you’ll completely paralyze yourself with this mishigas, not to mention destroy your marriage completely. Right now, all your considerable energy and talent go into your invalid status. Hell, take half of that yang and you’d be a kickass you-name-it.”

Love,
BG/BR