Offering “hjlelp” on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Jeg er 22 ar og trenger noen a kose med. Kjaeresten min har forlatt meg, og jeg lurer pa hva jeg kan gjore for a bli atrakktiv igjen. Er det noe galt med meg! Gi meg noen tips. Venter spent pa svar. HJLELP MEG. Koz og nuzz fra …

— Heidi

[“I am longing for someone to be with. My beloved has left me and I am wondering what I can do to make myself attractive again. Is there something wrong with me? Give some advice. Waiting anxiously for a response. HELP ME. Kisses and hugs from Heidi.”]

Dear Heidi,

You do not stop being attractive just because someone leaves you. Well, maybe for the first day or two you look kind of hideous. But no, there is nothing to “do” to “make” yourself more attractive. And no, there is nothing wrong with you. There was — and this is very different — something wrong (who knows what) with the combination of your “beloved” and you. And also, just for the record, something a little funny about your assumption that everyone speaks Norwegian.

Love,
Breakup Girl