Clothes make the man on June 1, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ll keep this brief…or should I say bikini? I have been married for almost nine years and have two wonderful children with my husband. [Two years ago] I found out through a snoopfest that my husband is a transvestite…and has been acting out his behavior for 25 years. It floored me and freaked me out. I had the usual questions such as: did I do this to him? Is he gay? Has he been wearing my stuff? We have remained married thought I have offered separation and divorce twice since learning of his fetish. We have not had sex in two years and it is getting hard to resist the urge to find someone else to have a relationship with. He says he can control it and won’t do it anymore … I doubt him. Our sex life prior to the discovery was infrequent at best…i.e. three to four times a year. He has since explained that this is because his fetish is such a sexual stimulant to for him. I love him for the person he is…but can’t yet accept the fetish and fear I am going to “die on the vine.” How long should I wait to possibly feel something for him again? Should I leave him and give myself credit for trying for the last two years …I am not in love with him or even attracted to him anymore…or is it my problem and I should live with it?

— WonderWear

Dear WonderWear,

Over to you, super-psychotherapist Belleruth! She says: “Seems to me the biggest issue isn’t even the funky behavior; it’s the betrayal of trust — keeping that secret — and the sense of disorientation and upset at thinking you know someone and finding out you don’t altogether. It disturbs confidence and sense of self; you feel undone. His being a transvestite doesn’t mean he’s a lousy husband, though, and it doesn’t even make him less hetero. Hell, you could loosen up — if you feel comfortable — dress him in your nightie and wear a leather motorcycle jacket.Things could get interesting. In any case, I’d recommend couples counseling before you hit the road … unless you’re looking for an excuse for finding a new partner … and that’s a different story altogether.”

Love,
Breakup Girl (and BR)