Guilty in absentia on May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have just spoken with my best friend, who is miserable and alone in Marrakesh, where she is working. She’s sad because her partner has not phoned her for over a week — he’s uncontactably on a rock tour in Australia/New Zealand. She suspects he is screwing the catering girl/backing singer/production assistant. Meanwhile he has left all his belongings in her flat here in London — for which I have a key. What (preferably harsh) action do you suggest she take? (Waiting and seeing is not an option!)

— Damp Shoulder

Dear Shoulder,

OOOOhhh, yes it is. Don’t you dare put that key in that lock unless/until you have proof. Which, I know, will be hard to obtain. Of course she suspects he’s shagging (Queen’s English) that multi-talented young woman — your friend’s mind has sought and found what is, in a twisted way, a more satisfying explanation for not calling than plain old Losing Interest. And actually, he may well be having an affair. But how lame would it be if she instructed you to smear all of his knickers with vegemite, only to find that the real reason he hadn’t called was that he has spent a full week shopping for a one-of-a-kind engagement ring on a remote Tasmanian reef with no telephone?

If you do manage to uncover proof, well then yes, we could have some good clean fun with this one. So as not to tempt you unduly, I will stop short of making actual suggestions and say only this: it would have to be some sort of own-medicine/own-grave type of thing where your friend only plants a seed and then watches Othello/Lothario drive himself mad.

One more major warning: if your friend is Bridget Jones, she should do nothing. Whatever it is will backfire.

Love,
Breakup Girl