Seeking closure on May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Any good revenge suggestions? I have been in and out of a not-so-emotionally-fulfilling but really-good-sex relationship for a few (four!?!?) years, and although I always knew it wouldn’t develop into anything good, I went ahead and fell for the whole spiel of how much he loved me … blah blah blah . Well, I’m happy to say that I finally came to my senses after a long crying jag and have vowed to move on to better, healthier relationships, but it’s hard since this has been going on for so long, and I admittedly harbor some bitter feelings and would love to pull off some great final revenge to solidify my intentions of never having him in my life or on my doorstep again … so I was wondering if you had any good suggestions? Nothing too mean, just sneaky enough to be satisfying — maybe this should be a theme for one month, how to get revenge without being too vengeful. Thanx.

— Nicole

Dear Nicole,

Good call about the theme. But remember #1, above. Unless there’s something you’re not telling me about this guy, like that he made you sit through Godzilla (1998), there’s nothing vengeworthy about this relationship/breakup. Yes, it sucks, you’re lonely, and probably kicking yourself for hanging on for so long (and/or for not dumping him first). In other words, there are lots of icky Standard Breakup feelings ricocheting around — but really, they needn’t be aimed actually, directly at him. All that is really available to you is Revenge Lite — that is, little itty bitty acts of purging that take place only in your private Idaho. Such as: write an unmailably nasty letter; do not mail it. Write his name on the bottom of your shoe. Make his stuff sit through Godzilla. That kind of thing. You’ll feel better.

Love,
Breakup Girl