Virgin/merry from December 29, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This Christmas I’ve been naughty AND nice. Two problems plague this romantic heart. I’ve been “nice” and supportive of an internet friend for two years now, the shoulder and the punching bag through thick and thin and foggy. We’ve met, declared long distance love on the eve and morn of our virginity, and been hunky-dory up till the twelve days before Christmas. But now the stuffing in my stocking is in another the-world-hates-me spin. My patience wears thin.

Now your favorite, the “naughty.” She’s 17, I’m 26 [you sigh here]. Girlfriends have been very rare on the granted end of my wish list (see: 26, virgin until recently) and the charm of this first girl only just began to wear thin/thick. Until now it’s been two kindred souls gulfed only by age and distance. I know my patience will be rewarded if I can only get back into the spirit of past, present and future, but it’s so difficult sometimes loving someone through monosyllables and gloomy glums. Time and experience will solve our yule-tide blues, but what can this elf do in-between seasons?

— Mikey Pooh in Missouri

Dear Mikey Pooh,

With all due respect, this is a bit more information — and way more metaphors — than Breakup Girl needs. But if I understand what you’re asking…well, actually, I don’t understand what you’re asking. I will, however, say this: I have a feeling there might be static in your stocking — that you’re clinging to this young miss…because she’s there. I understand that girlfriends have not been bounteous in your life, but you won’t find someone who makes you really happy as long as you’re wrapped up with someone who makes you kinda happy. I’m sure she’s lovely, and I don’t mean to reduce her to some stepping stone or checklist item, but she has helped you learn that you are loveable and that you do have a lot to offer. So now that you know you don’t have square wheels, get your butt off the Island of Misfit Toys and start acting a bit more (but not too much!) like God’s gift to women.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Holiday metaphor total: 11