A Christmas conundrum from December 16, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
Thanks for being there at just the right time. My boyfriend of 5-1/2 years just broke up with me a week and a half ago. In Christmases past, I’ve been used to sending and receiving cards to/from “K & P.” Now I’m dreading the fact that I have to somehow tell all of these people that he and I are no longer together (when it was generally assumed that we would be together forever). It still hurts to talk about it…how can I tell people about us without making the whole card thing a big bummer?
— Just K

Dear Just K,
As you well know, a major part of breakup humbug is the “coming out” process. In fact — using some of the special devices in her Breakup Girl Fanny Pack — Breakup Girl has managed to rewire certain phone systems to provide twenty-three way calling, allowing users to explain “what happened” to all of their midlevel acquaintances at once.

That’s why you, believe it or not, actually have a golden breakup communications opportunity in your hands: bulk mail. It’s actually a perfect way to start busting the ghost of Christmas past. Go and send your cards signed “K.” Clueful addressees will get the idea and discreetly refrain from bugging you about it until Valentine’s Day — who has time for love, care and concern during the holidays, anyway? — and meanwhile, you can direct the others to a FAQ you can post online. As in:
Q. But why? You guys were so cute.
A. Thanks, I know, it was just sort of, you know, a timing thing, a gut feeling kind of thing. Like we both just felt it was time to move on.

One more thing: Be sure to purchase plenty of sprucey Yuletide potpourri. This year, you will receive record numbers of adorable married-couple-with-golden-retriever photo cards. They smell funny when burned.

Love,
Breakup Girl