Classic advice from April 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I did one of the worst things I could possibly ever, ever do (at least I realise that now) on the (uh-oh) rebound from a previous relationship feeling lost, wounded, alone, unloved (sob, sob) etc. I got involved with a very nice guy, lets call him Brandon. I have the sneaking suspicion I was fooling myself when I thought I loved him. Honestly, there wasn’t much about B you couldn’t love; smart, kind, honest, bla bla…sure, the type I never seem to find myself involved with, and, victim as always, I always go for someone who turns out to be some psychotic egocentric maniac. So, here is B telling me he loves me with all his soul and I find out, feeling like an absolute rat, that the love isn’t there, it just isn’t. Here is someone willing to COMMIT!! and here am I, the one who has always wanted committment, finding that I cannot love him like he wants me to, try as I might, and I cannot let it go on, the poor soul worshipping the ground I walk on. Now, Breakup Girl, please don’t think me coldhearted, I’m always the one who is dumped, it was very difficult to bring the pain upon another…but I did. And he refused to be “friends” but I really wanted to be friends, he was one of the sweetest people I’d known…he didn’t reply to me for weeks on end, and still I tried and tried to get through to him. I could understand his never wanting to see me again, but the sore point is this: he has some very expensive and very sentimental jewelry of mine. A silver pendant I have had since birth that I gave to him during our passionate little affair. So I sent him everything of his back, pleading with him, practically on my knees wanting it back…but no reply. I haven’t heard from him in months and months, I miss him dearly, and of course, I miss my beautiful pendant and that makes me harbour bitter thoughts. Breakup Girl, what can I do to get it back?

— Porcelina

Dear Porcelina,

Didn’t you read Breakup Girl vs. Miss Fling? Rebounds (another theme for another column) are allowed only when they’ve got REBOUND written all over them — and both of you have read the large print. And a sentimental silver pendant is not a rebound-type thing to give. It is not Right for him to keep it — or, for that matter, to toss it into Okeefenokee Swamp, which is equally likely — but it is Understandable. And the problem you’ve got now is that when you say, “I really really would like to be friends … oh, and by the way, do you happen to have that itty bitty trinket lying around?” all he will hear — again, understandably — is “Cough up the necklace, speck!” At this point, all you can do is buy some worry beads and wait it out.

Love,
Breakup Girl