Classic advice from April 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

After a spate of bad relationships, I just want to be alone for a while. I know I will get over it, but in the meantime: no fixups, etc. The problem is that the world in general seems to be fascinated and worried about my lack of interest, and coworkers and friends are constantly shoving single, willing men at me. (Where were these guys when I was looking for them??) And single, willing men are throwing themselves at me as well, which is getting annoying. I feel terrible having to reject these guys — some are very nice, but they want more than I can offer right now.

I am sick of getting comments like, “Gee, do you think maybe you’re gay?” and “Maybe there’s something wrong with you.” I just need a little time and space, please! How can people be so insensitive and so insistent? And what’s a good polite way for me to tell them to drop dead?

— Non-Drooly Julie

Dear Non-Drooly,

Here’s a line for you, borrowed from New York City comedian Ted Alexandro: “Why do people always assume that since I’m not in a relationship, I must be gay? Not that there’s anything wrong with that … but look: Batman’s not in a relationship, and no one wonders if he’s gay. I mean, did it every occur to you people that I might be … a superhero!? And that my love for this metropolis is so great that little is left for a relationship?!”

Oh, wait a minute.

Um, anyway.

Of course they’re coming out of the woodwork now. It’s because you’re not giving off that go-yon “Hello, Sailor, PLEASE BE MY BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW, MY MOTHER WILL PAY YOU” vibe. And oddly, this time of Not Trying may indeed be the time when Mr. Might Be will rear his foxy head. So even if you’re not in the mood right now — which is not an unhealthy thing — do keep an eye out for any contenders.

Though Breakup Girl is quite familiar with the “Table for .. One?” stigma, she finds it hard to believe that someone actually looked you in the eye and suggested there’s something wrong with you for not having a beau on your arm. The mistaken assumption they’re making is that you want to be with someone right now but are not; the implication is not that there’s something wrong with you , but that if a fierce babe like your bad self is dateless, there must be something wrong with the world.

Sounds like a job for a superhero.

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. Wow, the more I think about it, the less sense that “gay” comment makes. I mean, what’s left to say to single gay people?