Short and sweet, via the December 16, 1997 column…

Dear Breakup Girl,
Why are men such pigs?
— Hotratz

Dear Hotratz,
Easy there. I think I know what you’re saying, but I’m not sure it’s what you mean. Pigs are, in fact, clean and fastidious. They are cute, pink, and smart; they can sniff out rare truffles under six inches of soil. I know — and love — lots of boys like that. (Unfortunately, they’re going out with other people.) So there.
Love,
Breakup Girl