Early cyber-cheating, circa February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a problem with my husband. He was spending 10 to 14 hours a day on the computer, talking in chat rooms to other women. They sent him pictures. One day, I found him having cyber-sex. It was bad enough that he was spending so much time in chat rooms, ignoring me, and his son, but then to find out he was doing this really hurt me. I found out the name of the person that he had cyber sex with, and told her how I felt. She yelled at my husband. Then he had the nerve to tell me to apologize to her! That really hurt! Why should I owe anyone an apology? I was the one who was hurt, and just stated my feelings. He says I am too jealous. I’m not thinking that he would ever run off with this person, but it just hurts that he spent so much time typing to her, and other women, for so many hours every day, and ignored me and his son. What do you think?

— Leah

Dear Leah,

You certainly do not have to explain to Breakup Girl why you were hurt, or to defend yourself for stating your feelings. Then again, you do need to explain to Breakup Girl why you felt the need to explain and defend your feelings and actions. Trust me, all of this is lousy, crummy, rotten behavior on your husband’s part. Jealous, schmealous; he’s your husband, dammit! I don’t care about cyber-sex being all “virtual” and anonymous and detached all that. It may be a different flavor of cheating that we haven’t figured out how to describe yet, but it’s still cheating. That’s why my main worry is, again, your not-so-hidden level of self-doubt. I hope it’s not too blame-the-victim to suggest that you need to get yourself into some kind of counseling. You, sistah, are on the Breakup List bigtime (see below), and I want to make sure you’re strong enough to go through with it — or at least to demand a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T — and know you’re doing the right thing.

Love,
Breakup Girl