A success story from September 18, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I just wanted to share one of my own experiences that touches on a lot of the stuff you talk about. Although we’re broken up now, my ex and I were best friends for a year before we went out. We’d talk on the phone until 1 AM on school nights, be there for each other, do anything for each other — best friends. He was completely in love with me the whole time,which sounds rude to say, but it’s true. I did, admittedly, take advantage of that sometimes. But you know what? After a year of him being there for me for everything, I finally gave in to him and said I would be his girlfriend. Although things didn’t turn out so we could be together forever as we’d initially planned, we’re only in high school, and it was the best six months of my life. So this letter not only goes out to nice guys for being such great friends, and to tell them to keep being great, it will pay off eventually — but I also want to encourage girls to give that “nice guy” a chance. For the longest time I always said “I just can’t see you that way.” But I took a chance — I didn’t know how it would end up. I wondered if it would be weird kissing him, let alone MAKING OUT because we were such good friends, but you know what? We had the best first kiss because we already had mutual respect and love for each other. So those “nice guys” that aren’t always the best looking or the most popular might be just exactly what you are looking for and never knew it. So take a chance, ladies, and guys, don’t give up yet. Thanks for being so great.

— Morgan

Dear Morgan,

Bravisima!

Love,
Breakup Girl

Puppy love on September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been soliciting advice on this subject from everyone I know, but nobody can figure this guy out — so here goes:

I’ve been hanging out with this fellow for about five months now, and although we’re officially just friends, I’ve had the hots for him for months. Recently, he’s begun saying and doing little things that may indicate he now has similar feelings for me. Unfortunately, they are VERY little things, like tickling, mock fistfights, sexual innuendos, teasing, and joking about how he should put the moves on me when we go to the movies, or that we should drive up into the hills and park, but never actually making good on these threats.

The other night we were stretched out on the couch watching a video when he took my feet and put them in his lap. I was congratulating myself on this huge display of affection when he leaned over and shoved a Frito up my nose!

I might understand if he were, say, 12 years old, but he’s 27! I’m fairly certain he has never had sex, which may account for his awkwardness, but he has had several relationships that lasted 3 or 4 years, so it’s not like he’s never seen a girl before. Another factor is that he’s fairly shy and unsophisticated.

Because I value his friendship, I am afraid to take the matter into my own hands and jump him. If I have misinterpreted his attentions, it would certainly ruin our relationship. On the other hand, I’m so frustrated right now that I’m kind of distant and bitchy around him, something that might jeopardize the relationship in the long run.

Should I stick it out a little longer, suppressing my frustration, or stir things up?

–Frito Nose

BG lays the snack down, after the jump!

Going no further on September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

One of my friends is totally in love with me but I have no feelings for him whatsoever. How can I tell him that I don’t like him without losing his friendship?

— Julianne

Dear Julianne,

The best you can do is this: break it to him sweetly but clearly. As in: “I have the hunch that you might like us to be more than friends. I think it’s important to tell you that I’m totally sorry, but I just don’t feel that way. Which also means that I love our relationship the way it is, and I hope that’ll still work for you too.” So if you do still want to be friends — and he can deal — then prove it … gently. Make an effort to keep everything the way it was — in terms of hanging out, talking, whatever you do together — but turned down one notch. This will let him know that you meant what you said, but it will also give him space to get over what you said. And wait a while before you get all Good Person and try to set him up with someone else. He may not be ready … and you may find yourself oddly jealous.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Going all the way — to Crazytown on September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am still a virgin. This is not a bad thing in my eyes, but it makes me REALLY shy when it comes to dating. I don’t want to have sex until I’m married, or at least engaged, I would even give it up when I’d been dating the guy for more than a year. What worries me, is that my virginity is getting in the way of my dating life. Which brings me to the fact that I’ve only had one boyfriend and that was only for a short month. Boys like me, as far as I can tell, but every time one tries to get me into a relationship, I hesitate, because I don’t like to kiss or makeout. Kissing disgusts me, and I’ve never made-out before, but I don’t think I’d like it. I don’t have much sex drive to tell you the truth. I was really boy crazy when I was younger and in high school, but now I’m not interested in physical stuff; I just want to enjoy the person I’m dating for who they are and how they make me feel, emotionally. I love one man, and he is the only one I would even think about having sex with, but he currently has a girlfriend of 1 year, and is my best guy friend in the world.

ANYWAY, back to my virginity. Is there something wrong with me, if I don’t want to hop in the sack? I’m guessing not, but it seems like the whole world is just going at it like rabbits. Another thing is that I want my husband to be either a virgin, also, or pretty darn close to one. Most guys I meet up with have a pretty large past file, or one I consider too large, and I’m turned off, even to their personality and good sides. And it’s not even like I’m going to sleep with them anyway, so I could at least date them…But the big thing is–I don’t want to be PRESSURED, and I don’t want them to try to pretend that they’ll be patient.

One of my best friends recommended that I ask my best guy friend in the whole world (yes, the one who has a steady girlfriend), to have sex with me so I know whether or not I like it, so I know if it really is something I want to save for marriage or want to experience more sooner. (more…)

Striking out on September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am very close to one of my guy friends. He is one of those very friendly, touchy, huggy guys, who is wonderfully nice to everyone. Well, over the past months I have developed very strong feelings for him. I think about him all the time. A few days ago I couldn’t deal with it anymore so I told him I couldn’t see, talk, or be around him anymore because I had feelings for him. He was stunned. It’s been over a week and I haven’t seen him. The problem is that I REALLY miss him and now I just feel depressed. What should I do? I feel like I’ll always love him. It’s getting in the way of meeting new people. Now I’m wondering if I did the right thing.

— Jenna

Dear Jenna,

Oh, girlie, I don’t know if you did the “Right” thing, but I do know that you did what felt right at the time. And now, yes, of course you miss him. It’s almost like you’re going through a breakup with someone you didn’t even get to go out with! I guess what you’re gonna have to figure out is, which sucks less: not being WITHwith him, or not being with him at all? If he is indeed as generous with his heart as he is with his touchy huggy extremities — and indeed I bet he is — I’m sure he’d understand if you went back to him and told him that you don’t want things to stay this way. Which reminds me: you say he was stunned — are you quite sure he’s not interested? Or did you just freak out and split before you had a opportunity to see the gears turning? It’s worth looking into. But if not, well then yes: you do need to lick your wounds, mourn, and smart for a while, and then get back out and try and meet new folks, no matter what. That’s the right thing.

Love,
Breakup Girl

No question, on September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Thanks for being, I think you’re the best!

I have this friend who is a guy and yes, we really are just friends (even though I hate saying *just* friends, I think friends are never *just* friends). We are both 20 by the way. We get along very well, have the same interests etc. and I’m happy to have him as a friend. Except that… Sometimes I develop this little crush on him and can’t help thinking how good couple we would make. But then, I don’t think that we could go back to being friends if we first went out together and then broke up. I’d very much like it to be possible but I just don’t believe in it (something to do with the fact that my parents have been very much divorced since I was very small. Now they couldn’t even be in the same room for two minutes without getting extremely rude…). So, I think our friendship is too valuable to be put in risk for something that probably wouldn’t last anyway and I’m just going to shut up about my occasional feelings. I honestly don’t know how he feels about these things (and I’m definitely *not* going to ask!) but I haven’t noticed any reason to believe he sees me as anything else than a friend.

So, do you think I am anywhere near the right tracks with my thoughts? I know I can live with the current situation and be happy 94% of the time. Am I one of the people who write to you and answer their own questions at the end of their letters? <grin>

— Maggie

Dear Maggie,

Yep. <grin>

Love,
Breakup Girl

Making a move on September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

First of all, kudos on a kick butt website. I’ve spent many an hour cruising through and reading your hilarious and right-on responses.

Okay, after my necessary genuflecting, I have to go on and say that I feel pretty much like crap now. I just had one of those moments, those moments that get etched into your mind for the rest of eternity, so when I sit down and think, when I’m 83: “When did I feel really, *really* stupid?” And then this will come rushing back in technicolor, and I will emit an “Oh, yeah.” I’ll keep this short, since I basically have one question. You are the Miss Manners of the heartbroken set, so I thought you would be able to answer it for me.

I had been coveting my new Friend-Boy for about a month or so now, and the crush pretty much began with our friendship. We had that sort of vague Hanging Out type of thing going on, which you can do with Friendly-Only people, as well as with the I-Really-Want-to-Get-to-Know-You-Better folk.

I couldn’t read him, and didn’t have the cojones, in the beginning, to ask him to qualify his side of our dynamic. He was excruciatingly shy, so if he *was* interested, I wouldn’t have been able to tell (but I tried, let me assure you). So all in all, I just today asked him what was up bluntly, he just today answered bluntly, and I am now grappling with the searing burn of rejection. You’re right, it *sucks.* Okay, though, at least I know.

So, my question is this: (more…)

So you’ve got this great friend. You do everything together: shop, hang, talk, work out, talk about your lame love lives and NATO expansion. You know each other’s families; you take care of each other’s plants. You fend off friends’ suggestions that you should be a couple, saying, “No way, that would be too weird!”

But then, somehow, you realize, that what you really want to do … is the one thing you haven’t done together.

So you (a) freak out, and (b) make a list.

Valid points, all. And here are a few more, from Denver psychotherapist Carolyn Bushong: “Romances built on friendships can be deeper, stronger, and in some cases more ‘equal’ than others, especially when they start off mutually, with no one taking the role of pursuer or pursued. But, she says, love that didn’t start as lust also comes with a unique set of pitfalls and second thoughts. Couples may be troubled not only by the high stakes of gambling on a valuable friendship, but also by the feeling of having “settled,” she points out. “Especially when things aren’t going well, one person might wonder ‘What if I never was all that attracted to him? What if I was just comfortable…?'”

Ugh. So what are you going to do? Especially ’cause you can’t ask your, uh, friend for advice. That, of course, is where BG comes in:

• What to ask yourself.

“What flavor of friends are we?”

Are you longtime pals from, like, before you were old enough to date? (Pro: The “Mr./Ms. Right There All Along” thing. Con: You’ve already bathed together.) Or are you more recent friends who, for whatever reason (say, other boy./ girlfriends) have never had the opportunity to upgrade? There’s no one right way to proceed in either case; I’m just trying to give you ways to calibrate your feelings. In the latter scenario, for example, it’s possible that you’ve become friends because you’re attracted to one another — but you’ve been treading water for so long that no one dares take the plunge.

“Is the crush enhancing the friendship — or interfering with it?”

(more…)

Finding yourself on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I just moved from Florida to Virginia. And, even though I have moved before, it was never before I hit puberty. I have zilch self esteem. I don’t know how to get over it. I know, be yourself, be nice, be friendly, etc., but I don’t want to be the cookie cutter girl. I want to be myself, even though I have no clue what that is. I am so shy. I don’t hold conversations very well, my mind goes blank like I am meditating or something. I don’t know what I want to do. I want to travel, but whenever I bring up something, my parents give me some discouraging remark or a lame excuse. You probably get tons of letters, so I’ll get to the point, I need to know how to get over myself. This letter is probably just plain silly, but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

— Nicole

Dear Nicole,

My two cents: Anyone who tells me she has zilch self-esteem — and then apologizes for a “silly” letter — is right. Yes, Nicole, you’re definitely having a tough time. But there is a light buried somewhere in the U-Haul, you’ll see …

(more…)

Crazy about men on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Ok, so here’s the deal. I love sex, I love men and I love life. What I don’t want is a committment. I don’t want a boyfriend. My roommate says this makes me dysfunctional and self-destructive. She disapproves of my (safe) one-nighters or casual sex relationships. I say it is perfectly healthy … the reason I don’t want to have a relationship with anyone is because I have not yet met the man who deserves me. I am a great girl — smart, funny, generous, pretty (ok, I’ll stop, sorry) — and confident. I need a man who can handle all that and live up to some pretty high standards. Relationships, as you well know, take time and effort and a great deal of respect, trust and committment. Why should I give all those very precious things to someone unworthy? So what I’m saying is that I am 20 and I have a lot of life to live — so there’s nothing wrong with filling that life with beautiful men who make me happy, if only for a night (no — I don’t have any feelings of unfulfillment), lovely poetry and moonlit nights? What do you think? Am I delusional? Am I ok? Am I heading for a very large mid-life crisis and an exorbitant therapy bill?

— Siobhan

Dear Siobhan,

No, you’re fine. So are standards. Just make sure of one thing: when he comes along, will you actually let him in?

Love,
Breakup Girl