Friendly warnings on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay, this is the last (hopefully) installment in the Jo R. Heavy Opera Company’s production of “I love you, Come here; I hate you, Go away,” otherwise known as the Ring Cycle of Numbing Depression and Futility.

Quick recap: I met him 7 years ago; I was attached when he was single, then he got married when my relationship broke up; he claims his marriage is dreadful, and he’s been “on the verge of divorce” for 5 years now (I’ve never bought this, since he’s still married and they’ve had 2 kids). He and I have flirted heavily ever since we met, but never had sex. Two years ago he moved to Chicago; he started writing to me shortly after, always with the flirtation thing going on. In February he told me his marriage was definitely *over*, and I had said, “I’m so sorry but YIPPEE — when can I visit?” He then lapsed into complete silence for 3 months, at the end of which I wrote you to ask what I should do.

You put my name on the Breakuplist — although there was never an “up” to be broken in this case — and I wrote to him and told him that since he wasn’t interested, we should scotch all erotic impluses. After this brief recess, our amiable “what I did today” newsy e-mails continued; after all, we’ve been friends for years.

Last week, though, after I mentioned that I’m booked to give conference papers in Florida and Ann Arbor this fall, he asked if he could come. I promptly whipped back that he could *not* come, since when I’d suggested the same sort of thing he’d run like a hare, and told him that it was rude and unkind, when he didn’t want to sleep with me, to pretend that he did. He apologized abjectly and declared that we should simply forget about flirting, since he “valued our friendship so highly.”

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Tired of waiting on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been in a 2-year relationship with my boyfriend and now we’ve hit that make or break point. He wants to marry me but doesn’t have the financial means yet. We’re both in our mid-20s, make decent money but still have awhile to go before we’re financially secure. He’s planning on going to grad school part time (which would mean 5 years before he would get his degree) but that would take a big chunk out of “wedding savings.” He has also has a lot of financial obligations at home and for his family.

My question is do I wait for him to get his act together or do I move on? I don’t want to be like a Christmas tree that goes bad after the 25th. My parents have been hounding us to at least get engaged but who wants to have a 5-year engagement? I feel like I really do love him (he’s my first “real” b-f) but love won’t pay the bills. I want a comfortable life with my future hubby but if he’s bringing in all this baggage into our life together before we’ve even begun, I don’t really know if I can handle it. I’ve been patient and understanding and I don’t want to lose him but maybe momma’s right and I do have to marry for money rather than love.

Please share your thoughts on this. Thanks!
— (Not a) Material Girl

BG shares her thoughts after the jump!

No boyfriend, no cry, on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m 17 and my boyfriend of almost four months just broke up with me. The problem is, I am not very upset. I cried for about two days, but now I feel fine. I loved him and everything, but I thought I would be more upset. Is this weird?

— Sandy

Dear Sandy,

By plugging these numbers into Breakup Girl’s Supercomputer, I confirmed that 2 days is the exact right amount of time for a 17 year old to cry over a 4-month relationship. You, wisely, did the purgefest that Frantic skipped. Well done. You’re totally fine.

Love,
Breakup Girl

The Predicament of the Week from September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am 38 years old, and have never been in a REALLY serious relationship before. A few short-term romances, a few really good friendships that might have been… I had accepted, and was quite happy with the fact that I probably would never marry, and would spend my life alone.

About 10 years ago, I met a guy who became a fairly good friend. There was always a little spark of something there, and whenever we were at the same party, or just ran into each other, we talked to each other to the exclusion of everyone else. If someone else happened to be around they faded into the background while we gazed into each other’s eyes and talked. But, we were both busy, and he never pursued anything, so I accepted that the feeling was probably all on my side, and I moved on with my life.

3 1/2 years ago I moved away, and 2 years ago was in town on business, and left him a note to say hello. I told him where I was staying, and to call if he got a chance, but I never really expected to hear from him. That night, he called, and invited me to dinner and a swim at his house. I went, and we had a lovely time in the pool, and over dinner, and I went back home thinking about him. One incident in particular stood out. While he was giving me a tour of the house, I was sitting on the bed looking at a book, and I asked him a question, and looked up and smiled at him as I asked it. He was gazing at me with such intense emotion in his eyes, that it left me confused. When I looked up he glanced away quickly, and he couldn’t answer my question. He nodded, with his head still turned aside, and I could see his Adam’s Apple bob as he swallowed. I’m pretty sure it was not a lustful look, but a hungry, lonely one. One that said “Could you possibly love me as much as I love you?”

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To hell and back on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

BG, I have a dilemma. I have been in a relationship since I was 16 years old for almost 8 years now. We’ve (mostly I) have been through H-E-double-you-know-what and back during the past 8 years. We’ve had a child together, been through “break-up and make-ups”, the other woman crisis (that he still to this day denies),a long separation, you name it, we’ve been through it. Even though we had a rocky relationship in the beginning, things had begun to get better and we hung on to each other. We live together now and we’ve discussed marriage several times and it’s been just that…discussions. No, rings or dates or anything. That’s not my whole problem. My problem is I feel like I’ve been taken for granted for too long. I’m expected to just sit back and go with the flow. I have grown up and matured and I had hoped that our relationship would grow up and mature too. 8 years is a long time to be with someone. I want a mate who is not afraid of commitment (the legal kind as well), someone who is affectionate, not afraid of intimacy, to show love, who knows how to communicate, who doesn’t play games, who knows what love is, all the good things that come with a good, healthy relationship. All the things I and my boyfriend seem to lack in our relationship. I feel like I want more and I deserve more than he is willing to give me. I also feel like I’m being selfish and kind of giving him an ultimatum. But I want to be happy and I can’t continue to live like this and keep waiting for him to one day get a clue! How do I end this relationship when I’ve invested so much and given so much of myself to this person? Should I end this? I’m so confused. We’ve broken up many times before and I took him back hoping that he would keep his promises, but I don’t want to continue that cycle!! Please Help!! Advice!!! I need advice!!

— Ms. Rick

BG’s advice after the jump!

This house is not a home on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I think I’m going insane. I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years and nine months. We’ve also lived together for about two and a half years… We still have to live together because neither of us has the money or the means to move out. We have our own rooms, so that makes the situation at least livable. I don’t want him back at all and the feeling is quite mutual; in fact I don’t know why I stuck it out in the relationship so long to begin with.

Anyway, I’m saving up so that I can move out. It’s been about a week since the breakup and I haven’t even cried yet (nor have I felt the urge to). Unfortunately loneliness is starting to hit me like a freight train and I really find myself craving male companionship and affection like some sort of psycho co-dependent weakling. But my ex seems to be taking the breakup so well– I haven’t seen even one smidge of sadness or regret in his face. Then again, one of my main problems with him was that he was about as caring, warm and romantic as a frosty bottle of liquid nitrogen.

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In and out of love on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Where to start? I’ll just tell you everything and your editors can cut it down.

My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost 9 months now. We still are, I think. He is oh, so wonderful! We have been best friends for a lot longer than that. In a month we move in together when we go back to school. (Since we were best friends, we filled out a lease for an apartment before we were a couple, each thinking the other didn’t want to go out with us.) We are now two states away, due to summer vacation from college. We had the perfect relationship when we were together. We had all of our classes together, so we would study together and hang out together basically 24/7. We were both dreading the time when we would have to leave. This is the most serious relationship I have ever been in. He told his MOM that he thought I was THE ONE. (That seems like a big step to me…) He admits that he thought that we would last forever, and I agreed.

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Wanting permission on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Hello there, BG. I love your site…it has really helped me put some things into perspective. But, I still have a predicament on my hands that I haven’t been able to shake for quite some time now, and I’ve never really written publicly to ask for answers but here goes:

I am currently living with someone I met on the internet a little over 2 years ago. It all started like so:

I met her on IRC, we emailed and spoke on the phone for about 2 months, I ended up taking a trip out to finally meet her, we hit it off, 1 month later she moved to my city to live with me. Then I moved with her to her city for about 6 months. And finally now we have settled in SF and are living in a decent sized studio apartment (and paying an insane amount for it BTW). Anyways, we have always gotten along great and I really care for her, as I know she does for me. But I almost think she cares about me way more than I do.

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Moving out on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. The first year, we were at different colleges on the East Coast 20 minutes apart, so we spent most weekends together but that was about it. Then we both graduated and moved to California, about 2 hours apart. We didn’t specifically plan to relocate together, it was mostly fortunate coincidence. After about 2 months of this, we found a place together, then lived together with various other housemates for almost 3 years.

On the outside, we look like a perfectly happy couple, and in many respects we are. But problems with housemates put a strain on our living situation, and this has spilled over into our relationship. We have some living style differences (he stays up until 3 AM, I have to work 9-5; I’m messy, he’s neat; he has good financial sense and I don’t, etc.) and each of us has character traits that irritate the other. I have thought long and hard about these things and have decided that I can live with them all. But he has some serious reservations about a few of mine (in particular, I can have a quick, sharp temper and he has a hard time dealing with that) and isn’t so sure he can live with them.

To complicate matters, this is his first real relationship. So he feels like he has no basis for comparison as to how happy he ought to be or as to what he ought to want out of a relationship. I’ve been in a few other relationships, so this is not a problem for me: I believe that this is a basically good relationship and worth saving. But he is not so sure.

For about the last year, he’s been satisfied enough with the relationship to want to continue with it, but not satisfied enough that he’s willing to make any sort of long term commitment. We have talked about this many, many times, but no kind of resolution has ever come out of it. Then, back in March, I discovered an advice columnist called Breakup Girl. Maybe you’ve heard of her. She’d written this really interesting column on space, which I read, and thought about. Not long after, my BF and I were getting into one of these discussions, and I brought up the idea of having some space. He agreed to think about it. About a week later, he came up with the idea of living apart. He suggested that it might be a good way for him to get some space and be able to think about the bigger problems in our relationship without getting distracted by all the minor day-to-day irritations involved in living with someone. So we discussed that for a couple of months, then agreed to try it.

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Out of order on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Here’s my situation. A few months ago, I moved into an apartment with a really good friend of mine, I’ll call her “Ann.” I liked living with her. We got along fine and we never fought about anything. I’ve always considered her one of my best friends, and although we flirted a bit it was nothing serious, just friend stuff. Anyway, a while back the two of us went out partying and had a bit too much to drink. We got back home…and, well you get the idea.

Normally I think I could handle this. Spending the night with someone doesn’t mean you have to get married or anything. The problem is, we both decided to try and make a go of an actual relationship. I realize this was a mistake now, but at the time it made sense.

Anyway, it was nice for about a month, but now things are really screwed up. In reality, my relationship with “Ann” is at a point were we barely speak to each other. I really have no idea how THAT happened! All I can say is that being friends with someone and dating that person are totally totally different things. It doesn’t help that she’s VERY hard to talk to.

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