Offering “hjlelp” on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Jeg er 22 ar og trenger noen a kose med. Kjaeresten min har forlatt meg, og jeg lurer pa hva jeg kan gjore for a bli atrakktiv igjen. Er det noe galt med meg! Gi meg noen tips. Venter spent pa svar. HJLELP MEG. Koz og nuzz fra …

— Heidi

[“I am longing for someone to be with. My beloved has left me and I am wondering what I can do to make myself attractive again. Is there something wrong with me? Give some advice. Waiting anxiously for a response. HELP ME. Kisses and hugs from Heidi.”]

Dear Heidi,

You do not stop being attractive just because someone leaves you. Well, maybe for the first day or two you look kind of hideous. But no, there is nothing to “do” to “make” yourself more attractive. And no, there is nothing wrong with you. There was — and this is very different — something wrong (who knows what) with the combination of your “beloved” and you. And also, just for the record, something a little funny about your assumption that everyone speaks Norwegian.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Special shoutout from June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Just discovered your website and it’s lovely. Congrats on great design and good common-sense advice. I also wanted to share a breakup story with others. I was involved for years (off-and-on) with someone who I came to believe was my soulmate. Unfortunately, he had a teensy little problem–he didn’t want to be with me, although he said he loved me. Not being the most pathetic person on the face of the planet (only the second-most pathetic), I finally broke it off. A year later, I was still in pain. Then, I met a man through an internet personal service. The day I met him, I stopped thinking about my lost love. My internet man and I are now living together and I’m as sure as one can be that this is for life.

Now, I believe that we have to heal ourselves and can’t look to another person to do it. I was starting to heal when I met my current man, but falling in love again sure helped. And I also realized that, problematic as my earlier relationship had been, it also got me in touch with my need for love and passion so that I was ready when a real love came along. It’s been said many times, but it’s true. First you gotta love yourself. Then love will always follow. Good luck to you and your website.

— Redsonja

Breakup Girl responds: Did everyone get that part about not holding out for a healer — and doing it ourselves? Yep. It’s like what I told MixMasterMama/Scab Picker last week: make the breakup tape; don’t send it. Don’t make your Moving On contingent on some hoped-for re/action by the other person. Just wanted to highlight that.

Next time you’re on a first date and you’re getting to know eachother, pay close attention when the discussion of music likes and dislikes comes up. Tastebuds.fm asked their users how far they would be likely to go on a first date. 408 readers responded  and the tastebuds team cross referenced this with their pop music preferences. The result?

Coldplay fans came out as the segment of our users least inclined to jump into bed after a first date. Why is this you ask? Beats us. But next time you’re having inappropriate thoughts it may be wise to save on your water bill and instead of taking a cold shower put on X&Y. Just sayin’.
…
At the other end of the spectrum fans of grunge-rockers Nirvana were the most likely to end up doing the walk of shame the morning after the night before. Now don’t get us wrong – we’re not saying all Nirvana fans are nymphomaniacs, oh no. But on average you’re more likely to get lucky on a first date with someone who’s a big fan of Kurt and co, if that’s what you’re after…

From blog.tastebuds.fm via BuzzFeed

Special shoutout from June 15, 1998…

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This letter just happens to have a male antagonist. It could totally be the other way around, yo! In fact, BG didn’t have to put in all the “s/he”s; the writer , bless her heart, already had. Boy-bashing: never done it, never will; don’t want to hear it from y’all. Same goes for “Staten Island.”

Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay, this isn’t so much a question as it is an observation. I have a very close friend, let’s call her Ally. She has been dating a guy, let’s call him Jerk. It fits. They’ve been dating for almost five years. He still doesn’t call her his girlfriend. He still says he has “commitment problems.” He has come right out and told her he never wants to get married or have kids, which she desperately wants. The list goes on and on. Ally continues to see this guy despite the times he’s treated her like garbage and won’t commit to even having her as his girlfriend after five years. They barely spend time together. I’ve seen the guy a total of four times in five years and she’s one of my best friends, so I see her often. Ally is a very attractive, smart woman; every man who meets her wants to date her. She just passed the bar exam and got the job of her dreams. She doesn’t need his crap, but she thinks she’s in love. According to her, this guy walks on water. When he pulls something really nuts, she’ll call me and complain, cry, etc. and claim she doesn’t want to speak to him, this time it’s for real, blah blah. She can’t see what an animal he really is.

My point is this. I can’t tell her what to do. She’s a grown woman (we’re both 32) and I refuse to. I have no problem listening every time something goes wrong, which is often, and just being there for her; that’s what friends are for. I am writing to you because I know how many people are out there in the same situation that she’s in. I’ve been there, too, and so have a lot of my other friends. The difference is that we’ve all come right out and said s/he’s a @#$% , but I’m gonna hang around anyway for a little bit. Then when that little bit was over, we faced the music. She is TOTALLY BLIND to what this guy does to her. She takes more garbage than a Staten Island dump site. I try to tell her that you can find someone worthy of your love and attention who won’t walk all over you. I’ve seen it happen, and lucky for me, I let go of all the idiots that gave me garbage and moved on.

So, for all you people out there (and you KNOW who you are) who think Ally is you, here’s what you do. You deserve the best. Don’t settle. Life is too short. If you find yourself saying, “Things have been okay between us for the last few days, weeks, months (whatever, pick one), so I can stay with him/her ’til s/he screws up again,” GET OUT. Now. I did and I sleep now. I used to not be able to sleep. Ally complains she can’t sleep through the night. HELLO!!! Maybe the problems with schmucko are filtering into your sleep cycle and making you miserable even in REM sleep! Here’s what I’m saying, people: It’s better to be alone and okay than with someone and miserable. I know you’ve heard it all before, but hear it again. BG, you get too many letters from people settling for less because they don’t want to be alone or whatever. Stop it!!! I finally followed my own advice and did just that last October. It was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. Blew off every moron. Good luck to you all.

— Aruba

Breakup Girl responds: Right on. A side point: let’s let this letter remind all of us, advice-givers included, that having the “dream job,” excellent friends who write to BG on our behalf, and other non-boy/girlfriend components of a Great Life doesn’t mean we’re magicallly fulfillled. I mean, it definitely helps, but it’s not automatic. Remember, sometimes the people who wind up wildly waving Super Soakers and howling gibberish on the roof of the Circle K are the ones who make headlines like, “Locals Scratch Heads: Soaker Citizen Always Considered Stable, Achiever.” Conversely, some people who have few friends, day jobs they consider lame, etc., are indescribably happy, alone or “with someone.” Who’s to say why? Who’s to say who is going to wind up with that nameless inner emptiness that lands us in the arms of Jerko/a? Just a thought. Thanks for your letter, Aruba.

No need for neediness on June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I hope you can give me some help or at least some insight into a man’s brain. I am a 30 -year-old woman and I am fairly independent, believing in standing on my own two feet most of the time and having strong relationships based on intellect and feeling. What I keep finding is that the strong (strong inside and out), intelligent men who seem at first to be my equal are only interested in me for either “just friends” and/or sex. They don’t want a woman their equal, they want a woman who is meek and dependent, who NEEDS them all the time — almost as if the woman needed them in order to live. I do realize that people do need each other from time to time, but I am not the needy/clingy type. I have had men actually say to me, “Well, you don’t need me,” in a sad matter-of-fact tone of voice, and then dismiss me as a girlfriend altogether! What am I supposed to do, beg and say, “Oh no, I really really do need you! Please don’t go!?” I want men to realize that a woman will stay with them NO ONLY because she needs him, but because she likes him and wants to stay. So my question is, how do you show a man that you do need him but in a healthy give and take way? I don’t want to have to become a needy, clingy woman who seems to need a man 24/7 just to get a boyfriend.

— Puzzled Near the Pacific

BG’s response after the jump…

An international incident from June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have lived together with this girl for two years, and before that we dated for about two years. I have wanted a long time to break up, but she doesn’t want to. I have been very open and honest about what I feel, and am asking her several times a week to move out. She refuses, says she can’t move out and that she feels unsafe in this big town without me (which is a European capital — she comes from a smaller place some 300 miles from here, and moved here to be with me). Every time I bring the topic up, she thinks I’m being mean. We live in a flat which I own and that I lived alone in for 11 months before she moved in. I really want to break up. To change locks or contact the police or some other authority seems so mean, but sometimes seems like the only option. Is there a nicer way?

— Anders

BG’s answer after the jump!

Mixing it up on June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I seem to be riding the breakup wave — mildly okay with the whole thing one minute, wanting to do damage to myself the rest of the time. In an effort to try and feel better, I’ve been listening to all the music that might not make me feel better, but that makes me feel like someone else “knows my pain.” My dilemma is this: do I send my ex a mix tape of all the songs that express what I was never able to say? I think that 90 minutes of Ani, Jim Croce, Mary J. Blige, etc. would be a nice little purging. What do you think?

— Scab Picker, or Mix Master Mama?

Dear, well, Scab Picker,

Here’s the problem. 90 minutes of Ani, Jim, and Mary means at least three weeks of SP/MMM waiting by the phone/mailbox/computer for His Response. Which is not guaranteed to be satisfying, or, in fact, to come. And where does that get you? The term “loop” — as opposed to “fast forward” — springs to mind.

(more…)

Inextricably linked on June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My girlfriend of nearly a year and I broke up about a month ago. For the month before, we had been having problems and decided to be “friends” (meaning that we still spent a lot of time around each other, but avoided anything too physical), but could date other people, providing we told the other person. She went out with someone else, and did not say anything, and I found out somewhat accidentally. We got in a big fight, and childishly didn’t speak to each other for two weeks. To make a very long story short (or try), she can’t see the guy for legal reasons (she’s an instructor at one school, he’s a senior in high school at another in the same district), and while she still talks to him, that’s about all. We are both at the same college, in the same department, with the same emphasis, so we see each other at least a couple hours a day, five days a week. Plus we have the same circle of friends, etc. We agreed to try and be friends, slowly, considering the amount of trust that had been lost between us. We had been best friends before we dated, and didn’t want to totally lose each other. The problem comes in that we can’t seem to decide how to deal with each other. One week, she’s very friendly and flirty, until I think she’s getting too close, the next week, vice versa. I guess my basic question is, what the h*** is going on? Oh, to add to this sticky situation, I’m good friends with her closest sister, something of a big brother to her only brother, and her dad is my future landlord. Exactly how screwed am I?

— Zino Trope

Read BG’s response to Zino Trope after the jump!

Looking for a sign on June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Lately, my first love has been in my dreams. Should I take this as a sign and give him a call to say hello?

— Anna

Dear Anna,

Sure, why not? But you better not tell him you’re calling because you dreamed about him. Unless he says, “That’s so weird that you should call, I just dreamed about you.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

A non-romantic obsession from June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am lucky enough to have a wonderful, sweet, and generous man in my life. We have been together for two years and, being in our early 30s, a potential for marriage is on both our minds. The problem is that he has obsessive-compulsive disorder, a condition that dictates most of his actions. When we first met, he was doing all right. He told me about it and I was fine with it, mostly because I hadn’t seen the effects of his condition on his life. In the past six months, he has been spiraling down into the depths of this disorder, and for a time, would not come near me. I can’t begin to tell you how painful it was to be so thoroughly rejected by such a loving person. It got so bad that we did not see each other for a month. When I told him that I wanted to break up, he finally started in a therapy program (including medication). Maybe this is selfish of me, but I am not sure if I can handle this condition in my life. I promised that I would not leave him until he was stable again and we could talk about it. The reality is that his “minor” mental illness is a very difficult thing to deal with and I am not sure that I would want to commit myself to it for the rest of my life. It might help him deal with the condition, but I don’t think that his anxiety will ever go away. I feel so guilty about wanting to leave him and there is a part of me that believes that I’ll never meet anyone as wonderful as he can be again. Is this stupid? Am I wrong?

— Miki

BG’s response after the jump