There was an approximately 50 percent chance that this would happen.

Sure, I guess it’s cute to toss your boyfriend’s blazer over your spaghetti straps on a chilly night. Or to snuggle, apres ski, in his big bulky sweater. Or to [NC17 version] pad around his pad wearing nothing but his rumpled oxford and a come-back-to-bed-when-you-finish-those-eggs smile. Or to spend a lazy Sunday lounging about in his beekeeper’s coveralls and giant sombrero. Oh, that’s just me? Mmmkay. Anyway.

Yeah, that’s all cute. Less so, says Crisis in Denim, is when apparel makers call their clothes “boyfriend” clothes. As in: the roomy “boyfriend sweater” (which I guess, things being the way they are, we’ll now go back to calling the “poorboy sweater,” hahaha), the oversized “boyfriend jacket,” a la Lisa Bonet circa 1988, not to mention the boyfriend tee, the boyfriend jeans. This nomenclature, she notes, generally doesn’t work the other way around. (“[C]an you for one moment see menswear designers debuting the Girlfriend Suit at Fashion Week?”) And yeah, there’s something a little ickly aspirational (to say nothing of heteronormative) about it — as if the appeal would be that wearing these clothes says, “Hey! I have a BOYFRIEND!” But maybe that’s reading too much into it. I’m all for comfy (as opposed to other, dare I say, Fashion By Patriarchy looks), but really, maybe “boyfriend” is clothing industry code for “doesn’t really fit.”

Have you ever been tempted to pick up the phone and say hi to him?
I do, of course, think about our time together, and there are times when I think about doing that. But listen, I know that he has his life to live. I’ve got challenges and my life to live as well.

Pop quiz: Who’s that answering the question? Someone who took BG’s advice about moving on, or…?

Click here for the answer! (Note: When it comes to that relationship, BG is still trying to move on.)

Cutting bait on February 23, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating the same guy for eight years and we have both been faithful to each other religiously. He says that he loves me. The only problem is that I can’t seem to get him to commit to our relationship (I mean marriage). I’m not getting any younger (I’m 28), and I want babies! Any advice?

— Cameo

Dear Cameo,

This is easy for Breakup Girl (who is older than not getting any younger) to say, but here it is: walk. I don’t mean that you should say, “I’m walking out if you don’t commit! Look at me! Here I go! Yoo-hoo! I’m walking! I am so walking sort of near that door! Waaaaalking! Watch me go…!” I also don’t mean walk out the door, and then walk by his house ten minutes later to see if he’s committed “yet.” I mean: walk.

What, does Breakup Girl believe that a relationship ain’t no thing if it ain’t got that ring? No. Does she want to promote the stereotype that a girl’s best friend is all a woman wants, needs, and hopes for? No. I’m just going with what you’re telling me: that marriage and babies are what you want, and that they may not, alas, be available in your current (eight-year!) relationship. You can’t get him to commit; go get what you want with someone who wants the same thing. And the thing is — I hesitate to say this, because I am in NO way advocating game-playing — but, well, when you walk, this guy just might realize that he is that someone.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Cohabits die hard on February 23, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I live with my boyfriend of three years and something happened two months ago that he totally misread and now he won’t even talk to me. He told me it is over but has made no plans to move out. He sleeps on the couch, I got the bed. He won’t have anything to do with me and I just don’t get it. I have done everything humanly possible to make him see that I love him and want this to work out for the long haul. He says it is over. I feel that if he wants it over so bad he should be the one to leave. You figure he would be sick of sleeping on the couch. I want to get on with my life. I want to date. If he does not want me I feel that I should be able to find someone who does. How so I make him see that he has got to go so that I may actually have a shot of getting over him and moving on?

— Confused in Bethesda

Dear Bethesda,

Um, it’s going to be kind of hard to “date” with your ex-boyfriend on the couch. Start packing. Your stuff.

Love,
Breakup Girl

“Trying to impress that hottie at the bar? Money talks. Hand out your number on the back of one of our fake ATM receipts. They’re a players [sic] dream come true.”

Where to begin (other than with a warning against the risks of fake-identity theft)?

Let me just say this, and not for the first time: You know how people hesitate to meet people online, for fear that they’ll, you know, lie? And how I always say hey, people lie in bars?

Well.

One more thing: if there’s not a romantic comedy about a guy who uses one of these on a girl who (inexplicably) turns out to like him and then he has to maintain the lie through all sorts of highjinks that make him look like he’s rich, which totally works until it doesn’t and then she hates him but then comes back, and he learns something about life, love, and himself, then I have $782,012 in my bank account. Hey, wait.

We all know love can feel like a roller coaster. But for Amy Wolfe, 33 — a real-life Leigh Swift? — love is a roller coaster. As the Telegraph reports:

Amy Wolfe, a US church organist who claims to have objectum sexuality, a condition that makes sufferers attracted to inanimate objects, plans to marry a magic carpet fairground ride. This follows a “courtship” of 3,000 rides over ten years with the 80 ft gondola ride called 1001 Nachts. Miss Wolfe, 33, from Pennsylvania, will change her surname to Weber after the manufacturer of the ride she travels 160 miles to visit 10 times per year, according to reports.

“I love him as much as women love their husbands and know we’ll be together forever,” she said.

Miss Wolfe first fell for the ride when she was 13: “I was instantly attracted to him sexually and mentally.

“I wasn’t freaked out, as it just felt so natural, but I didn’t tell anyone about it because I knew it wasn’t ‘normal’ to have feelings for a fairground ride.”

In any regard, she’s not alone. Say what you want about the symbolism involved in marrying the Eiffel Tower, but according to this article by the creator of a documentary on the topic, “Why people really fall in love with objects is a controversial issue. The OS [Objectum Sexual] members believe it to be metaphysical but most of the women I interviewed had serious difficulties in early childhood, from severe sexual abuse to abandonment and rejection.” Many of them have Asperger’s Syndrome, which can make interpersonal interaction challenging. From the latter article: “It is not that an Asperger person does not long for human relationships; they do, desperately. But someone who falls in love with objects can control that relationship on their own terms,” says psychotherapist Jerry Brooker. “Their objects will not let them down. That is extremely attractive for a person who is otherwise often desperately lonely.”

So we’re not going to point fingers and laugh here; I’m sure we’ve all whispers of similar feelings: devotion to an excellent pen, say, or passion for a perfect tomato — perhaps even, once in a while, preferring their company to that of humans.

That said, for a good-natured game (a grownup version of “Then Why Don’t You Marry It”), let’s play: if you could marry an inanimate object, what would it be? I mean, besides grilled cheese.

Ever marvel at the power of make-believe to bring about real-life happiness? Plus, who doesn’t love four-part harmonies? Well, BG is delighted to offer New York-area (or visiting) BreakupGirl.net readers special discount tickets to THE MARVELOUS WONDERETTES, a cotton-candy colored, non-stop jukebox-musical blast from the past, where you’ll meet four sweet-voiced girls with hopes and dreams as big as their crinolines!  The New York Times called WONDERETTES “effervescent and irresistible…an utter charm!”

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday: $45; Saturday & Sunday: $55. (Regular price $79!) For the discount:

1. Visit BroadwayOffers.com and mention code MAINT01, or
2. Call 212.947.8844 and mention code MAINT01

Westside Theatre,  407 West 43rd Street (between 9th & 10th Avenues)

Trust us, you’ve never had this much fun at prom.

Apparently breakup movies are on everyone’s minds these days.

Not content with just five, eHarmony broke out the 20 Essential Breakup Movies — this time “High Fidelity” makes the list, along with a lot of other BG reader favs. Though, oddly, no one here has mentioned “Chungking Express” yet.  Focus, people, focus!