From this week’s New Yorker…from 1996. In the Obamas’ relationship, it seems, every day is like the first 100.

Barack on Michelle:

…And then what sustains our relationship is I’m extremely happy with her, and part of it has to do with the fact that she is at once completely familiar to me, so that I can be myself and she knows me very well and I trust her completely, but at the same time she is also a complete mystery to me in some ways. And there are times when we are lying in bed and I look over and sort of have a start. Because I realize here is this other person who is separate and different and has different memories and backgrounds and thoughts and feelings. It’s that tension between familiarity and mystery that makes for something strong, because, even as you build a life of trust and comfort and mutual support, you retain some sense of surprise or wonder about the other person.

In these trying times it’s important to think of those less fortunate than ourselves. Not everyone has the power to fight crimes of the heart. Meet some sad sack characters with Superuseless Superpowers.

You’d be the worst stalker ever if you could only achieve 99% opacity like The Slightly Invisible Man. No one would feel safe falling asleep in your arms if you had superhuman strength whilst sleeping, but that’s life for The Slumberjack (a.k.a. Hercu-zzzzzz’s). So you can’t fly your date around the world simply by sticking your arms straight out, or see through anything but their see-through negligee, but it sure is better than being the man with the lukewarm touch.

One of our all-time faves from January 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Why my best friend (is a boy) don’t like me but I love her. GOODBYE. (I am a French girl.)

Kiss.

— Aurelie

French Girl, step away from the hermaphrodite!

Love,
Breakup Girl

Getting down to basics on January 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

How do I french-kiss a girl? I need exact steps on how to do it because I’m going out with this girl I met and I don’t want to act stupid not knowing how to french-kiss her. Can you please help me?

— Jason

Dear Jason,

Not really, but there’s someone I think you ought to meet.

Love,
Breakup Girl

High school drama from January 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I really like this guy who dumped me like three months ago. And I asked him why and I got like five different answers. I don’t know which one to believe. And I really like him a lot. I tried to ask him out personally, but I chickened out and had someone else do it. He just says no or drops the subject or something. Someone asked him why he wouldn’t go back out with me and his answer was “Because…just because. I gotta go.” How should I go about getting him back? Or should I just forget about him (which would be pretty hard)?
— Confused

Dear Confused,
Guys, guys, guys: STOP HAVING OTHER PEOPLE ASK PEOPLE OUT/BREAK UP WITH PEOPLE FOR YOU. Also, no notes. These procedure never work accurately or efficiently! I know they are all standard forms of high school dating communication, but if you ask me, they should have gone out with the rotary phone. I bet you the kids on “Dawson’s Creek” don’t do dumb stuff like that! Then again, they’re all dating grownups. But still.
Love,
Breakup Girl

This story made headlines last week:

Richard Batista can live with his broken heart. He just can’t bear his cheating wife living with his healthy kidney.

The Long Island doctor wants the one-time love of his life to pay $1.5 million for the organ he bestowed on her eight years ago in a gift meant to save her life and their foundering marriage.

Dude, you have two and she gets half of everything, right? Oops, not so fast:

But divorce lawyers say a donated organ is not a marital asset to be divided.

Well, now there are counter claims from the wife!

Dawnell Batista says Richard Batista was so obsessed with the idea that she was cheating on him that he went so far as to go through her underwear seeking signs she’d been with another man.

That’s it? I thought she might sue for her old uterus back.

If you are not yet sick of science stories that tell us Love is strictly a chemical reaction, Monday’s New York Times had an interesting piece on some research being reported in the new issue of Nature.

When a female prairie vole’s brain is artificially infused with oxytocin, a hormone that produces some of the same neural rewards as nicotine and cocaine, she’ll quickly become attached to the nearest male. A related hormone, vasopressin, creates urges for bonding and nesting when it is injected in male voles (or naturally activated by sex). After Dr. Young found that male voles with a genetically limited vasopressin response were less likely to find mates, Swedish researchers reported that men with a similar genetic tendency were less likely to get married.

Writer John Tierney is much more interested in using the research to develop an anti-love vaccine that could inoculate people against quickie marriages and other ill-advised pairings. Is there something he’s not telling us?

Young ladies, not quite sure of the proper behavior post-deflowerment? Have we got the hilariously droll parody of an etiquette book for you! This 1965 jem by Mel Juffe and Edward Gorey (!) was recently rediscovered through the magic of the internets. Click the picture for its complete posting by Accordion Guy.

The missing piece, from January 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
Here’s an easy one for you that baffles the male species: what do women want? I’m a 25-year-old white male, average height and looks, good upbringing, working on a double masters’ program, and seeking someone else … but a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th date is a major accomplishment in my life. What’s up with that? What special bit is missing?
— Smart Ash

Dear Ash,
Easy. To borrow from Regina Barreca, Ph.D. (one of Breakup Girl’s gurus): We want you to give us “emotional, physical, and financial support without making demands that will interfere with our careers/child-raising/bridge game.”
Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. Barreca continues: “And then we wonder why men are skittish.”

Actual source: Perfect Husbands (& Other Fairy Tales): Demystifying Marriage, Men, and Romance

All the good ones are taken, from January 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I’ve broken up from my one-year relationship with my girlfriend last April. However, I can’t seem to be able to meet ANYONE single at the moment. It feels like a statistical phenomenon, although I go to parties, clubs and all…everyone I meet is in a relationship, engaged, married or worse. What’s going on? How can I break this vicious cycle?
— Patrick Loveless in Paris

Dear Patrick,
What, do you work for the Rome Tourism Commission or something? Mon dieu, you’ve completely dashed Breakup Girl’s vision of Paris as the world’s most romantic city. Try Flagstaff, I guess.
Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. “Or worse” ?