An easy one from January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
What do you do if you have a vacation planned with your significant other but you want to break up with her?
–John

Dear John,
Few things are less romantic than a romantic vacation with someone who’s planning to dump you. Do the deed; take a buddy.
Love,
Breakup Girl

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: With every breaking political sex scandal — and the ensuing awkward press conference/photo opp — it becomes more and more tempting to imagine little thought balloons over the heads of the apparently stoic, forbearing wives. (“Well, this explains a lot.” “Game face game face game face.” “Dude. Diapers?”)

And man, is it easy to judge. The wives, not the husbands. (Well, them too.) What are they doing at the press conference at all? What sort of public display of solidarity do they possibly owe these guys? Can they really be such doormats? Why aren’t they home changing the locks?

In situations like these, though, I think we’d do well to remember the wise words of Bridget Jones’s friend Magda. “No one from the outside ever really understands what makes them work.” Really, who knows what has gone on Chez Spitzer? Maybe she is cheating too. Maybe he promised her a quick and clean divorce if she’d do just this one thing. Maybe she is even acting out of savvy self-interest, as Anne Applebaum suggests at Slate: “I can see one clear advantage to this option: It’s all over quickly. And no one asks you for a follow-up interview. You appear once—and then you vanish forever, along with your husband’s career. If you’ve been clever about it, you’ve kept your maiden name and can thus return to your own career. Those who make other, more attention-getting choices will later be forced back into the limelight to explain themselves, which is gruesome.” That, or if you simply don’t appear at all, you can bet they’ll come after you.

I’m not saying she should or shouldn’t show up; I’m just saying that in a scandal such as this, her conduct, of all people’s, is not for us to judge. (I’m talking to YOU, lady I just heard on WNYC saying that this whole thing was Mrs. Spitzer’s fault in the first place because she didn’t kink things up enough.) The real thing to question is not each wife’s motive, or her backbone. The real thing to question, I think, is why these women are expected to show up in the first place. (And what will happen someday when the “stoic wife” is the husband.)

Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). Today, we meet “Helpless in Love,” who has met the person she has been looking for her “whole life,” she says. “I can talk to him about anything and in return he tells me everything… I’ve had boyfriends and thought that I was in love, but it was nothing like this. I think of this man as my best friend, my confidant. He makes me feel sexy and pretty. How,” she asks, “do I express how I feel?”

Catch? What catch? Well, there’s this: how might HIS WIFE express how she feels?

Lynn has pretty strong feelings herself. Read on…

When is a rebound not a rebound? When there’s a rematch with Miss Fling…

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Going the distance on January 9, 1998…
Dear Breakup Girl,
My girlfriend just moved to Dallas — about 300 miles from where I am. I will be moving there in about 5 months. Should we try to continue the relationship long distance, or see other people for a while?
–Dustin
Dear Dustin,
You tell me. I mean, have you guys already agreed that you’ll start up again when you’re both in Dallas? Are you moving there to be with her? In that case, if y’all think you can’t go five months without a little something something in between … well, that doesn’t speak well for the shelf-life of your commitment (It’s not that long! Penelope and Odysseus — well, Penelope, anyway — would laugh in your face!). But if you two really aren’t sure what’s in store, then sure, free yourselves up. And when you get to Dallas, see how interested she is in helping you move your furniture. It could be a sign.
Love,
Breakup Girl

The truth is … coming soon to a theater near you! From the L.A. Times:

“They flew from Germany and England and Chicago to attend. They lined up at 5 a.m. outside the Moscone Center West in San Francisco fueled by contagious group excitement and caffeine. They sat through the boring ‘Shutter’ panel to make sure they got good seats. One attendee estimates that there were 5,000 people packed into the 4,000 capacity convention hall and that’s not including the spillover that ran down the various hallways.

But God, it was worth it!

Gillian Anderson, David Duchovny and ‘X-Files’ creator Chris Carter were at Wondercon last week…to promote the still-untitled new ‘X-Files’ film scheduled to come out July 25 and it was the first time the trio had appeared together at a convention since ‘X-Files’ first came on the air in 1993. The fans screamed throughout the whole 45 minutes.”

Who can blame them?

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Workplace tragedy from January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I’ve been friends with a very attractive co-worker for about one and a half years. She works about ten feet away from me. Recently, she started flirting back with me; I had been flirtatious most of the time, but had gotten no response. I was very excited and was walking on clouds. We went on three dates, one of them was fairly passionate, and then she calls me and says she only wants to be friends. Her reason was that she felt ‘pressured by me’. When I asked her what I was doing to pressure her and offered to stop what ever it might be, she gave me no reason but said the old “it’s me, not you” line. I have to pass by her office several times a day and feel very uncomfortable. How do I cope? Help!
— BT
Dear BT,
Ah, the work breakup: the mother of all pink slips. Even though Breakup Girl works alone, very much alone, at BGHQ, she does have a little insight into the special circumstances/complications of the job-related jilt. One thing I’ve observed is that women tend to be a little more cautious than men about office romance. They’re the ones who — whether in reality or only somewhere in the back of their minds — still have to worry most about separating the personal and professional, about the whole slept-her-way-to-the-corner-office stereotype. I know she’s your co-worker (as opposed to your subordinate, or, even more “Disclosure,” your boss), but still, this may be part of what gave her the jitters.

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Mysterious doings from January 9, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
What is the correct thing to do when one has been dating a guy for 9 months, and during the last phone call with the guy, he says, “I will call you tomorrow” — and tomorrow never comes. No fight, no disagreement, no nothing — he is just gone. What would you do?
— Ditched and Dumped

Dear Ditched and Dumped.
I would click here. He has clearly been abducted by aliens. If and when he returns, don’t take him back; he will have a chip implanted in the back of his neck that will mess with his memory of what happened and cause all sorts of trouble. Sorry.
Love,
Breakup Girl

“Muffy is no longer in a relationship with Biff.” It’s the Facebook news feed from hell! On the one hand, it’s an easy way to tell all your friends. On the other, it’s an easy way to tell all your “friends.” And to get one million “What happened?!” messages that you really, really don’t feel like answering.

Wired magazine to the rescue! From this month’s issue: “Next time you split, in the ‘News Feed and Mini-Feed’ section of your profile settings, change ‘In a Relationship’ to the default ‘Select Status.’ But there’s a hitch [or not]: Your ex’s Mini-Feed will display an update in their relationship status, tipping off the gossip hounds…. You have no choice but to ask your former boo to delete it, ASAP.” Sigh. Remember when all it took to finalize a breakup was a really long and drawn-out and painful conversation?

A case of EX-squared from January 5, 1998… 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was seeing this guy for two years and we practically lived with each other. I finally broke things off because we had such different ideas about what life should be like. He and I remained friends and in actuality our relationship continued except we were free to do what we wanted to. His family and I are extremely close and I just spent Christmas at his family’s home. Just recently I met a wonderful man and he and I have everything in common. How do I make my ex understand that I have to move on in order to make my life happy without completely breaking his heart?

–Completely Confused
Dear Completely Confused,

With breakups like these, who needs boyfriends? The we-broke-up-but-we-still-sleep-together arrangement is normally designed to quell separation anxiety and get you through hormone monsoon season. But you’ve also retained family visitation rights! Wow! This is a a new one for Breakup Girl.

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