Trouble trusting on December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been involved for a year and a half with a very gentle, caring man who I feel is trustworthy. However, I cannot seem to give up relentlessly accusing him of seeing other women. I know this is a contradiction. I do feel he is trustworthy, but I believe that I am experiencing a case of paranoia–as my past partners have been anything but trustworthy. Perhaps, I have recently taken a blow to my ego as of late, and my insecurities are surfacing in this relationship–but I honestly cannot figure out why I have been questioning my partner to the point of him wanting to give up. I have done damage to this relationship through this, and he is sick and tired of arguing–as am I. I want to repair the damage, but I seem to be unable to keep my mouth shut.

— Big Red

Dear Big Red,

We’re thinking you should open up that mouth to a therapist. Cause here’s what Belleruth says: “Your insight into the situation is admirable, but, evidently, not sufficient. Yours could be one of those self-fulfilling prophecy deals, where you create what you’re most scared of — i.e. rejection — out of perverse self-destructiveness. But if you get some help, you’ll have more control over your testing behavior and wayward mouth.” Here’s hoping that it’ll start saying things like, “I trust you.” Or, better yet, that things like “I trust you” will go without saying.

Love,
BR/BG

Re: Gifting on December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay, un petit dilemma. It being the festive, gift-giving season and all, I thought you might be able to help with a somewhat topical question: What do you do about boyfriends who give lame presents?

Let me elaborate:

I love my boyfriend dearly. We have our ups and downs, but on the whole things are great. We’ve been together over three years.

Just one itty bitty li’l problem surfaced — it was my birthday. Now, my boyfriend used to give utterly lame presents for birthdays and Christmas, but he’s been steadily improving. This year, I got a pair of garnet earrings for my birthday — doubly great when he’d sworn never to buy me jewelry until I agreed to get engaged to him (whole ‘nother story).

The problem is that he thinks he was being really thoughtful and sweet and getting me something great. I already have one pair of garnet earrings — with nicer stones, even — and I never wear those. He just didn’t think, I guess. (He also helped his folks pick out a present for me, which was a dismal book I have no interest in reading, and really isn’t “me” at all.)

Trouble is, he gets all enthusiastic about stuff and thinks “Wow, that’s so great, must buy that for my girl!” without stopping to think whether or not I need or want it, or would even like it. The garnet earrings would not have been cheap, either, and it pains me to see him spending so much money on a present which, let’s face it, fails to hit the mark.

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The Predicament of the Week from December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been consulting your Website for the past few weeks, and I have found it to be chock full of good humor and good advice, which is what us broken-hearted people need. I have found myself in one of those situations that requires consultation. Trouble is, everyone has given me conflicting feedback, so I was hoping to submit this to you, the grand pooh-bah of the broken up.

Here is my story: After a lengthy period of not having anyone special in my life, I met this fantastic woman. I live in a college town, so it’s kind of a major event when I find someone my own age. She’s thirty, single, the mother of two children, appreciates the nuances of the “The Dukes of Hazzard” and likes to act out scenes from Shakespeare plays as foreplay. All in all, a great match for me.

Over the course of a few months, Mr. Love pays us a visit, and we start talking about “the Big Picture,” which includes us moving in together and living happily ever after, etc. But I couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at her occassional freakouts. Over time, I find out that her last boyfriend and the father of her second child turned out to be a full-blown psycho. So there was physical and mental abuse in her past, and probably some pretty unspeakable things.

I take this all in, and our relationship quickly keeps going up and up. I plan this big, romantic dinner, and she is all giddy with anticipation. I had tried to tell her that I loved her before, but she had put her hand over my mouth to stop me. She had melted then, but she wouldn’t let me say it. So I am thinking that its time to try again. The big day comes, plans have been made, and I get this feeling that tonight is the right time. But earlier that day, my best friend from college, a women who I have known for ten years, e-mails me to tell me that she is coming to town to attend a wedding, and wants a place to crash. So, me being Mr. Sensitive and all, I figure I should ask my girlfriend how she feels about this before I give the OK.

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Following up on December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Ok…so here is my update from last month…I’m still dating Gravy or as he calls it “we are seeing each other.” It is now going past 4 months of dating…I’m over my ex (ya know, the one who left me 3 months before our wedding date). But here is the real clicker.

I really like Gravy….I know I didn’t want something serious at first. I mean HELLOO, I just went through a rilly crappy ordeal 6 months ago. But now I’ve moved on & here I am with Gravy who lives an hour & a half aways…calls me just about every night & sees me every weekend! Sex is great may I add & then the discussion of what are we comes up!

He doesn’t want anything serious — well hello again! We are only spending every weekend together (not just in bed either). I go to all the family functions as if I was a part of his family. But he says he doesn’t want anything serious as he doesn’t want to have to answer to anyone. When the question of are you sleeping with anyone else came up he states no not at all but he would tell me if he was! HELP! I don’t want to be a teenie bopper at 27 telling a guy its me or hit the highway but heck…I do respect myself & yet I know he rilly rilly likes me or he wouldn’t want to spend all this time & money on me! So what can I do…any advice…I mean heck…I’m not looking for marriage yet…but it would be nice for a little commitment or am I expecting way too much way to soon?

— J

Dear J,

If it makes Gravy feel better to issue “nothing serious” disclaimers while acting all boyfriendy — like Tile Guy, above — then fine. But after four months of weekends and family functions, you are totally entitled to request that he not see, much less sleep with, anyone else. He is entitled to accept or decline your request. And if he declines, you won’t be on the next Gravy Train, will you?

Love,
Breakup Girl

Neurotically freaking on December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Oy! Where to start? Where to start?

I know! I was living with my boyfriend for three and a half years and then he dumped me! HE dumped ME! The nerve.

Things hadn’t been perfect with us for a while. There had been a lot of arguments. He was majorly clinically depressed and wouldn’t deal with it. Everytime I went out with my friends, I knew when I came home he’d pick a fight.

But he LOVED me. And I loved him. When we got together, we had both had crushes on each other for months and hadn’t known it. So when we finally figured it out, there was so much pent up emotion that we moved in with each other within three months.

Granted. Not the healthiest action. We were probably just majorly infatuated. But then we made it work for three years, and I always thought that was validation of our earlier adolescent actions (we’re both mid-twenties.)

But my problem isn’t with the ex. Well, it is, but it isn’t. My problem is with cutie-boy.

Cutie-boy is the older (early 30’s) boy who works in the office suite next door from me. We kept running into each other in the halls. He kept asking me to coffee and I kept forgetting to tell him I had a boyfriend. When I finally told him, cutieboy claimed that coffee wasn’t exactly a betrothal.

So I went and we had a good time, and to cut out a lot of extraneous info, we ended up sneaking into emergency exit stairways at work and making out. Harmless fun. I knew it was wrong, but told myself I was just getting a little attention that my (soon-to-dump-me) boyfriend wasn’t giving.

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Impatient on December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My girlfriend of one year recently broke up with me, then decided it was a mistake and wrote me an e-mail saying she thought she still loved me, but couldn’t deal with the distance (she graduated last year and moved two hours away, hence the breakup, which was entirely one-sided). I told her I couldn’t really deal with e-mails saying she thought she still loved me and asked her to take some time to figure out if she did or didn’t and to get back to me.

The problem is, now I’m starting to get a little upset that it is taking her so long to decide if she still cares for me. Should I rush her, or just sit and be frustrated?

— Brett

Dear Brett,

She’s totally allowed to be confused, but she’s totally not allowed to send you confusing emails. If there’s something specific that you two need to work through together, then fine, you should talk; but writing, “hi, might still love u, but not sure, bye! : ) <SEND>” doesn’t count. You need to <REPLY> with, “ok, let me know by [specific deadline].”

Love,
Breakup Girl

Course corrections on December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Here’s my story… I was supposed to have been married to my long time girlfriend, companion, lover and best friend of many years this past fall. I screwed up incredibly in early 1998 by telling her I wasn’t sure of our plans. I moved out of our apartment and away for a few months. We kept in touch during this time and I have been extremely regretful of my decision and I am asking her to let me back into her life.

I proposed to her a month ago but she said she needs time to sort things out. She is the love of my life. I want to move forward and make things right. I think she does as well but the pain and lack of trust in me is still there. I want to hold on to this dream of us being together forever.

What should I do?
— Bumming in the Bay

Dear Bumming,

Ask her (a) what she needs you to do in order to help restore trust, and (b) exactly how much “time” she needs. Then do (a), and hold her to (b).

Love,
Breakup Girl

Upgrading on December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been dating the same guy for a little over three years. I really want to get married, or at least engaged, soon. My boyfriend on the other hand wants me to be his “permanent girlfriend” and has no intention of putting a ring on my finger any time soon. He tells me he loves me and that I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him and that I’m the best girlfriend he’s ever had.

I haven’t broken up with him yet because I keep waking up each morning thinking “maybe today is the day he’ll change his mind.” What do I do? Dump him and wait for him to come to his senses, dump him and forget about him or keep waiting? Thanks for any advice, I’m miserable but terribly in love.

— Tracy

Dear Tracy,

Do you want to get married, like, in life, or do you want to get married to him?

If it’s the former, this “PG” relationship won’t fit the bill — and waiting isn’t working, is it? See “Walk,” above.

If it’s the latter, consider this: what’s it worth to you to be with him, period, no matter what your status? Can you live and love in this relationshipright here, right now, complete and whole as is, without holding your breath for something to happen? If he’s as mad about you as he says, then he could be like Tile Guy, above. As Dalma Heyn writes in the same article, “Unless the [person] you’re waiting out is behaving badly, not just skittishly, remind yourself that you can wait as long as [s/he] can. And that trusting the process, and [him/her], and yourself, will let you enjoy these unencumbered months (or, yes, years) of courtship. You’ll have plenty of time to be married.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

Looking for more on December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating the same man for 1 and 1/2 years now and he is totally content with the way the relationship is right now. I am ready for some sort of commitment and he likes his time alone. He says he loves me, but I am not getting the attention I need from him. We see each other only when he’s not busy. I am very frustrated with this relationship. I am 37 and he is 47.

— Lisa

Dear Lisa,

What sort of commitment? Like, engagement? Exclusivity? The reasonable expectation that you mean more to him than plan B? All of the above are fine, but you need to be more specific with him than you’ve been with me. Not that he’s, like, a Dumb Man who needs things spelled out for him. But how can you define your relationship without defining your terms? To wit: what kind of attention do you need? How often would you like to see him? How much time alone does he want (this is something you should both have, by the way)? There are no right answers to these questions. Which is exactly the point: concepts like “content,” “commitment,” “attention” “time” are often in the eye, heart, watch, etc. of the beholder. So: do spell it out. And if he’s not content to try and meet you halfway, well yeah, that spells O-U-T.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Decision time on December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m struggling with the decision of whether I should break up with my girlfriend. I’m 32, she’s 28 and we’ve been dating for a little over a year. I guess it’s to the point of do we take the next step, marriage, or do we go our separate ways? I had thought that we were progressing towards marriage. However, for the last several weeks, she has seemed increasingly unhappy. Neither of us seem to have much interest in sex anymore. And, I know that both of feel the other is taking us for granted. Don’t get me wrong, I think she is a great person. And, the last thing that I want to do is cause her pain. But at the same time I don’t want to waste her tine and mine on a love that’s grown cold. I guess the nutshell questions are: Is there hope to respark what we once had? And, if so, how?

— Jim

Dear Jim,

Time to pop the question. No, silly, not that question. This one: “Hey, muffin, is there something bothering you?” What worries me is not that you two are unhappy; it’s that you, Sparky, have no clue as to why. Either you two have to hone that thing we call Communication Skills, or you have to admit that your heart isn’t in this in the first place. And I have to admit that I’m leaning toward the latter. Why? Well, to be fair, perhaps passionate poetry just isn’t your thing. But “Don’t get me wrong, I think she is a great person,” is what you say before you say, “However, I am a stronger candidate for the school board.” Not before you say “I do.”

Love,
Breakup Girl