Stalker? Who, me? Why,
I'm just trying to get this
gum off your window.
-- "Wombat"

"This takes a lot of
courage," he said nervously.
I said, "Be a wuss."
-- Kristie Bronwen

Tell your new girl to
call me if she needs tips on
faking orgasm.
-- Sarah

Who needs mushy cards?
Who wants to watch roses wilt?
Who am I kidding?
-- Eva Shea

I sold my vacuum
I only need one dirtbag
nothing sucks like you
-- Karen Kanter

I used to be first.
Now I'm not even on it.
Stupid autodial.
-- Asher Hung

Perfect in all ways,
he showed up in Birkenstocks.
Unacceptable.
-- Amy Keyishian

Love me? Love me not?
Make up your mind. There's a line
forming behind you.
-- Ms. J.

I'm not getting a
dog because I'm lonely; it's
'cause you're allergic.
-- Brian Glaser

Why did I even
want you in the first place? Oh
yeah, because she did.
-- Kristie Bronwen

Remember when I
coughed as you got naked once?
Well, it was a laugh.
-- Kristie Bronwen

"I need time to think."
Translation: Off to Europe
to screw a Scotsman.
-- Anonymous

At least the tattoo
that I got to turn you on
has my name, not yours.
-- Brian Glaser

Date cancellation.
Just had a cut and color.
Beauty gone to waste.
-- Alison Herschberg

Here's the plan, okay?
You and I should just be friends.
Except the "friends" part.
-- Amy Keyishian

"You are a great girl.
But I need to break things off."
Dubious logic.
-- Pamela Raitt

I hear love is blind.
I can't imagine why else
I keep seeing him.
-- Fawn Fitter

Over him at last
I can see him on the bus
and wait for the next.
-- Fawn Fitter

Your long soulful stares
into our bathroom mirror
won't be missed, asshole.
-- Donna Jay

Murmurs on the wind.
The curb beckons, so gently,
"Kick him to me."
-- Lindsay

He loves the ballet
and he's a hairdresser. Duh!
Catch a clue, girlfriend!
-- Anne Beveroth

How nerdy was he?
Our first date movie was Tron.
Silicon romance.
-- Amy St. Clair

Guy-girl ratio:
four to one. The odds are good
but the goods are odd.
-- Amy St. Clair

"Lid for every pot?"
I'm Calphalon; he's Pyrex.
I can do better.
-- Susan Basalla

What a witty guy!
His doormat said "Go Away!"
Not so funny now.
-- Susan Basalla

My breast heaves with lust
Dark eyes and strong arms reach out
Dammit! What a dream.
-- Love Gravy

011-44
country and city phone codes
Ma Bell owns my heart
-- Laurie Crane

Sure, life's a lonely
pit of festering despair
...but I'm not bitter.
-- Jenn Pozner

Hockey owns your soul,
I am your second string love.
Go home, Canuck, eh!?
-- Marisa

If I was looking
for baggage, I'd be dating
a friggin' skycap!
-- Ms. J

Do you want some "time"
with that universe of "space"
I'm giving you now?
-- Ms. J

When you said you were
crazy about me, you were
half-right, you big freak.
-- Ms. J

Everyone loves him!
Mom, Dad, friends, and sisters, too.
Everyone ... but ME.
-- A

This morning my tongue
was still burnt from the things I
said to you last night.
-- Karin K.

Unrequited love
is something of a hobby
she will never know
-- Mike Edmonds

Ancient myth repealed!
Nice guys do not finish last --
They finish second!
-- Chad Brick

I found him in bed
with my best friend Stephanie
I sure do miss her.
-- Anne Beveroth

Standing altarside
is not the best place to say
you met someone else
-- Nathaniel Singer

Breakup Girl is not
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Nonetheless she rocks
-- Nathaniel Singer

My friends think I'm nuts
She's just a cartoon character
True love knows no bounds
-- Nathaniel Singer

The Perfect Man would say
Surprise! Your bags are packed. We're
off to Paris, dear.
-- Kalyani Broderick

Pizza guy's buzzing
He just doesn't get it
Morton's or buh-bye
-- Jenn Lapierre

"Love but not in love??"
No more legalisms -- I
promise not to sue.
-- Ted Wong

I should marry you
I'm ninety-nine percent sure
but one percent not
-- Laurie Crane

Neither Helen Hunt
Nor Gillian Anderson
takes my mind off you.
-- Dave Maier

I'd like to go out...
Wait a minute. That's a lie!
Quit calling me, creep!
-- Amy Keyishian

under the mattress
still more of her copper hair
how did it get there?
-- Ted Wong

"'Tis better to have
loved and lost than never to
have loved..." Oh, bite me.
-- Ms. J

Breakup Girl Maxim:
When he's at the altar it's
probably over.
-- Sarah

His smile stole my heart.
Too bad his ex already
tore his to pieces.
-- Lee

Tears on the subway.
Next stop, he makes his escape.
Ouch -- public dumping.
-- Lee

He dumped her at the
foreign film. Oh, well. Who wants
a guy who can't read?

If only his love
haiku hadn't included
the word "Nantucket."

love bankrupted her
substantial penalty for
early withdrawal

all was positive
until she posed nude and he
sold the negatives

Casey Kasem read
long-distance-dedication.
I wrote wrong name. Oops.

They had to use "Jaws
of Life" to free her navel
ring from his braces.

I forgot to tell
her not to fold, spindle, or
mutilate my heart.

way too much vodka
and not enough common sense
first date becomes last

She loved the tickle.
He tidied up, so shave and
a haircut, she split.

He called her selfish
expecting flowers when he
could barely buy gas

He looked great, but she
doubted he could even spell
"aphrodisiac."

They were car shopping.
He suggested she get a
"Probe." She kneed his groin.

Losing sleep over
losing her. He really missed
losing the covers.

At the disco, he
boogie oogie oogied. She
found him travolting.

Running back to him...
seemed much less dignified than
running over him.

She loathed his haiku.
But it fit him. he was 5
foot 7 ... and a 5.

Any resemblance
to happiness was purely
coincidental.

Harbinger of doom
On blind date, she wore Chanel
He wore his Spock ears.

T & K:

Sting got it wrong. Don't
set them free 'til after they've
paid their share of rent.

Why'd she give him the
boot? Well, as fun drunks go he
was no Dudley Moore.

Karen Kanter:

you make me waste words
seventeen syllables are
more than you are worth

When I told you "goodbye"
I lied about the "good" part
I just meant the "go"

"Our Failed Love Affair"
Next on Tragedy Central
Bruce and Demi star.

this is what I did
when I won last year's keychain:
I locked up my heart