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Dear Breakup Girl,

First things first, I think your page is awesome. But the real reason I'm writing to you is because I have a guilty conscience and I'm wondering if what I'm doing is actually wrong. Well see, there's this guy that I like a lot but I can't see us ever going out. he's super nice, and he's even pretty sexy. My best friend loves him and tells me all about how she fantasizes about him kissing her and being with him -- me, I don't have to wish, because we're fooling around behind her back. The only thing that I feel bad about is that one time we (ME and HIM) were talking and he said that he wanted to tell everyone about us and I can't do that because my best friend thinks he's like a GOD or something, so I know it would hurt her. I meant to tell her the first time we kissed but when I called her she told me that he had talked to her that day and she got her hopes up about them hooking up. So now I don't know how I should tell her about us. I know she'll get REALLY mad if I tell her that we have been for a pretty long time, but I don't think she'd care if I told her he'd just kissed me -- she'd probably be psyched for me. So, is it okay to lie to her this once, or should I stay straight?

-- Guilty?

Dear Guilty?,

In this situation, well, there's no such thing as lying to her "just once." Breakup Girl does not universally outlaw feelings-sparing tweakage of the truth, but it gets dicey when there are more than two players (i.e., him, too) involved. Basically, you can't completely control the flow of information. The cover-up will get more and more sitcom/X-Files elaborate, it will blow up in your face, and everyone will feel worse than ever.

So here are your two options: (1) say nothing, but stop messing around with this guy. You say you can't really picture you two as a bona fide couple, and let me tell you, YOUR FRIENDSHIP IS WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN A FEW FUN BUT DEAD-END HOOKUPS WITH A HOTTIE. Or, (2) tell her. If you two keep at it, she is going to find out. I promise you, she'd much rather hear it from you than from the Resident Busybody. I also promise you that as much as it's going to hurt, feeling/looking stupid -- as in, the realization that this has been going on all along behind her back even as you've talked about it to her face -- hurts worse. Your speech should go something like, "Um, sit down. I have to tell you that Hottie and I have been having ... a little thing. I meant to tell you a while ago [you can fudge the timeline a little here], but before I could, you started talking about your hopes being up, and I just chickened out about hurting your feelings. Every day that's gone by since then has made it harder -- yet more important -- to tell you, and now I finally am. I am so, so sorry." Take it from there. But DO NOT offer any excuses like that it doesn't "mean" anything, because then she'll be like, "Well then why was it worth going behind my back?" She may be mad -- like, for a while -- but don't try to downplay what happened or tell her why she should get over it. Give her time. And if you keep seeing this guy, stay the hell out of her way.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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