< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

SOS! I have been seeing K for about a year; she is Japanese and I am sorta Americanized. She came here to study English, so obviously there was difficulty in communication right from the get-go. I spent one year teaching her English, night after night, and pretty much did everything for her. See, I am the kind of guy who will do everything and anything to make K happy, even if it means losing sleep or spending money that I don't have. Nobody forces me; it's just my personality to do so as I enjoy helping my loved ones very much. For example, I bought a car so we could get closer, helped her move twice, and even hunted the apartments for her. I followed her to classes to help take notes along with her, built furniture for her ... the list goes on and on. I have done for her FAR more than she has done for me. As long as it's humanly possible, I will do it for my baby K.

About 3 weeks ago, we broke up because I found out by reading her e-mails that she "cheated" on me. She was, of course, furious that I read her e-mails, even though initially I was the one who set up her account and, at that time, she had said that it was okay for me to read it. I know it was wrong of me to invade her privacy, but she had so much hidden from me that I couldn't believe it. I trusted her, and I didn't read her e-mails until I had to due to suspicion. Later, when we calmed down, we had a little talk. She claimed that she didn't cheat on me because the guy just asked her out and she declined, plus they weren't intimate. She did say that she liked him, which is understandable as I myself have gone through the same phase when I was her age (22 -- I am 23). [Please tell me that's a typo. -- BG] I forgive her because I love her. She, on the other hand, cannot forgive me for invading her privacy.

I asked her out again, but she stated that she needs time to think it over; she didn't say no, but she didn't say yes either. We got intimate a few times after we broke up, kissing and cuddling like we used to, yet she still can't forgive me. She is now surrounding herself with new friends and has yet to give me an answer. I love K, and I really want to do my best to earn a second chance at the relationship, despite the old saying, "Why cry over spilled milk?" I know she's worth it. I have been showering her with gifts all three weeks (along with countless letters and e-mails -- all to no avail). It touched her on several occasions, but she really seems genuinely unable to forgive me. What I need from her is an answer. I need black and white, for I can't function well under gray areas. I am so afraid that this won't work out and that all the time and energy and money I have spent on her will be at best flashes of bittersweet memory.

This is the second time I have been "cheated" on, and I am beginning to doubt the so-called power of love. Please help me, BG; K is very special to me still, and I want to win her back. Tell me how to handle her rejection or acceptance ... give me some directions and advice. Do nice guys really finish last?

--Teeteet

Dear Teeteet,

Is she really guilty of cheating? I can't really tell. But either way, this detective has to say: the butler did it.

And the butler, Teeteet, is you. Teaching her English 365/365. Taking her notes. Hooking up her e-mail. Helping her move. Making her furniture. Teeteet, you make your average loftbuilder look like the bad guy. We are talking Extreme Household Management.

Now, listen closely: I am not accusing you of "making" her "cheat." Believe me, I understand that your love is strong and your intentions are sincere. And of course we should all do nice things for each other all the time. But I'd gently submit that she had "so much hidden" from you because you were ... everywhere else. Her classes, her computer, her house, her tables and chairs, her very words. Granted, if K needs space, K should say something outright rather than drop hidden clues. But if she did, Teeteet, would you be running and lifting and carrying instead of ... listening? If you're going to "win" K back, your inner butler will have to lose his job.

Here's the mystery I'd to solve: what would happen if you trusted the Ks of the world to like you, just 'cause? To love who you are with plenty of sleep and money you do have? To want you to be their partner, not their helper? To want you to share and hang out, not serve and protect? Please, please think about why you perhaps feel that you -- just you -- are not enough. Please, please try being with her -- or, gasp, the next one ... well, that's it, being with her. Not doing. Then I will suspect: Teeteet in the conservatory with the power of love.

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >