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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm a sixteen-year-old girl who had been in a relationship for 1 and half years with my "first love." First I'll tell you a little about our relationship. I meet him my first day of high school (he's a year older). He was the sweetest person in the world. I was the total b*tch. He tried everything to win my heart. We became very close friends and he never gave up the chase to win me over. Finally after denying to myself for 7 months that I also cared about him, we hooked up. The relationship has always been bumpy. Mainly because were two teenagers trying to find ourselves. See, he was a total nerd when I first met him. He let everyone walk all over him. Now he has totally changed his attitude and look. We have the same exact friends. We have only gone out on two dates out entire one-and--half-year relationship. We mainly just hang out with each other in a big group of our friends.

This past summer he totally changed. Started smoking pot every weekend, started pulling away from me. I've been a "bad girl" in the past. I've done my share drugs to see what it does to people. I've even had friends die because of their habits. But I learned my lesson and have stayed away from drugs, except for the occasional beer, shot, etc. Another thing is I'm in a really tough part of my life. I live with my mother, stepfather and my two half-brothers. My family has never lived in the same place for more than 3 years. Because of this, I don't have many friends and I'm a really quiet shy person. I've spent the past five months going to doctors, having test done to figure out my ongoing health problems. My family lives in PA; the rest of our family lives in MN. My family is losing my grandmother to Alzheimer's. And I still can't get over my grandfather's death, even though it was four years ago. I really need my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend) right now, but all he cares about is going out and partying. I know it's his senior year but I really need him. See, I don't really have any friends and he's the pretty much the only person I can trust. But I don't trust him when he gets high and goes out with his friends. WE had always hung out together and now he just wants to hang out with the boys. And that means going to parties where's there's drugs, and other girls. I guess I'm hurt that he doesn't want to spend any more time with me. I know I've been a b*tch, but I have improved a lot. I don't know what to do. He has always been my security and now he's not there. Granted we've only been broken up for a week, but we've been broken up before. He always seems to come back, but now I don't know if he is going to. It's really hard to love someone so much and then all of a sudden they tell you that there's nothing left anymore. He also has had a tough life. He works 11 hours a day during the summer and has to give his paycheck to his family. His mother is extremely strict and set in her ways. His family is pretty much poor because of a heavy debt. I know he is in the process of finding himself. I've also been his first kiss, first real girlfriend, etc. I just don't know what to do. I'm so lost and all I need is him right now. I'm sorry for rambling on and on. Thank you for listening.

-- J.W.

Dear J.W.,

First of all, girlie, BRAVISIMA! You are bummed, lost, lonely, hurt, missing a boy who's going out and getting high without you. What stronger temptation could you have to ... get high? And from what you're telling me, you're not. Did you happen to notice how cool that is? Give yourself some credit. Talk about "improving" yourself ... well, there you go. What your restraint says to me that you are way stronger than you think you are. Waaaaaaay. And which, in turn, suggests to me that you do have it in you to build a life -- a social life, a love life, whatever -- without him. But it won't be easy, especially with all those other pressures and losses and stresses going on in your family as well. Is there someone, anyone that you could talk to, just to spill, as you clearly needed to do here: a teacher you like, a grownup at your church, someone back in Minnesota, your doctor? Please don't stay quiet just because your first and favorite listener isn't exactly all ears right now. Check around, and let me know what you find out, if you like. I'll be listening.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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