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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been widowed 14 years and have been seeing this widow for 12 , yes, 12 years. At first it was great and we have had great times, but over the years I always felt that my needs were not met and she finds it difficult to talk things out. I've made my needs known and quite a few times she would try to change and would for a while, but would then go back to being unaffectionate and not thinking about me and not doing all the nice things I do to her and for her. She cannot share her thoughts and feelings and I never know what is on her mind. If we have a disagreement she puts her head in the sand and thinks it goes away. If I go on a trip I bring her back a little something. The times she's gone away, she didn't think enough of me to bring a little something, even like a rock or some dried flowers from where she was. I have had to beg her for any little kindness or consideration, which she has come to expect from me and which she does get.

I made out a form and asked her to share herself by filling it out. It had 4 parts:

#1 What can I expect from this relationship?

#2 What do I get from this relationship?

#3 What can I do to make this a better relationship?

#4 What can my partner do to make this a better relationship?

I filled it out and it had lots of positive thoughts. I waited a while and when I told her we should exchange these she said she didn't want anybody in her head, not even herself. I am ready to give up and move on completely, but I wonder if it would be better if we remained friends and just went out occasionally like to a movie or play, but not as we used to do involving family functions and going away together. The sex was good but again I almost had to beg for anything that I wanted since she never anticipated my desires as I did for her. I am afraid that after so many years with her I would find it difficult to be with someone else and to start over at my age (69 and she is the same age). I am always unfullfilled and disappointed and she says that it is too stressful for her to live with all my expectations. It doesn't take too much to make a person happy and I know how to do that. PLEASE HELP ME OUT AS TO WHAT MY CHOICES WOULD BE IN THIS UNSETTLING SITUATION. Thanks.

-- Al

Dear Al,

You do know how to make a person happy. You know how to make YOU happy. And you expect her to do the exact same stuff, right back atcha, like that awkward ersatz-intense mime game where you face each other and mirror each other's hand movements.That's what's not working. I mean, maybe she didn't bring you a rock (!?), but maybe she called you every day? Maybe she doesn't do the nice things you do -- but she does the nice things she does? You've got a totally fixed notion of what love and affection and communication and souvenirs look like -- and I'm worried that you might miss them when they appear in different forms. And when you get on your partner's case for not bringing them home, well, of course she sticks her head in the sand instead of looking for pretty sea shells.

I'm not saying your dissatisfaction is All Your Fault. Maybe she is glacial and peevish; maybe you've already stuck around way too long. But I am suggesting that you cast a thoughtful gaze around one more time before you "give up and move on completely." Tell her that instead of looking for squalls and flares, you're going to try and listen for the ocean.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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