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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating the same man for about 9 months now. We have dated off and on in the past, and he was my boyfriend when I was a naive 16 years old (so needless to say we have some history). I am now 21, and he just recently asked me to be his girlfriend.

Problem is, I have realized that in my family there is a cycle that we females seem to get hooked into regarding men. My mom married my dad who was totally wrong for her and divorced him, and married an alcoholic. My older sister has married an inconsiderate buffoon, and it just starting to realize her mistake.

Back to me, while I realize I am not in love with this man, and I can see all the ways we are not compatible (he's unreliable, selfish) I am reluctant to break the relationship off. He is 28 and feels his biological clock ticking and talks constantly about wanting children before he is 30. I am only 21, I'm a starting digital artist trying to make a name for myself, art is my passion, and I am not ready for children. He seems to be unpleased with my independance and wants to change who I am. So maybe asking me to be his girlfriend again might seem not to be a big deal to most, from the way he is talking about wanting a family when he can't even take care of himself tells me what kind of commitment he is really wanting.

Anyway, to draw this letter to a close, I know this is break up material right here in my head, and I don't love him. But why am I so reluctant to get out of this unhealthy relationship?

-- Rachel

Dear Rachel,

The good news about a lot of all the self-helpy stuff out there is that it makes us think about important motivations and inclinations. The bad news is that it makes us think too much. Your reluctance to leave might have something to do with what you see as a pattern in your family -- which, yes, could be a useful thing to spy ... or it might just be because having a boyfriend is fun and breakups suck. If there was a book for your problem, it would be a really short one called Women Who Think Too Much and The Men They Don't Love. But you wouldn't even need to read it in the first place; trying to sort the "why" all out is really just a stalling tactic. Instead, just read the Breakup List. Steel yourself against a relapse; be the kid sister who just happens to break the "cycle." Which may just be "life."

Love,
Breakup Girl

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