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Dear Breakup Girl,

Had a girlfriend of two years end it by saying she needed more of a "roller coaster" type of relationship. A woman dumped me for telling her she looked nice in blue. Another for bringing her bottled water while she worked outside on a hot day. Another woman who telephoned me all the time dumped me after I called her for the first time. Another gal looked me up after three years, flew 500 miles to visit me days later and told me I was the only man for her. After tearful kisses at the airport and a vow to return soon, she refused to talk to me ever again. Another lady constantly told me how much she disliked me and how unsuited we were as a couple, but resisted all my suggestions of ending the relationship. I finally had to insist. Tip of the iceberg stuff here.

For whatever reasons, many women are apparently self-hating nuts. If one man disrespects another man, animosity results. But if a man treats a woman poorly, she makes excuses for his behavior. Women seem to flee affection, honesty, stability and attempts at mutual respect.

No, I am not one of those too-nice guys, but neither am I willing to be a cold, selfish, drama-inducing jerk in order to have a relationship. Given my experiences over the past ten years and those of every man I know, I conclude this: Many women want to want someone, but they do not want (and will not tolerate) someone wanting them.

Please tell me I am wrong.

-- Mike X.

Dear Mister X.,

Are you sure you want me to tell you you're wrong?

Let me back up and explain what I mean.

Okay, yeah, the acts of dumpage you describe do sound highly nutty. As you describe them. But in some of those cases, are you actually telling me the reason for the breakup -- or simply what was, like, happening when it took place? There's a lot of drama here, and while I don't doubt your hurt/baffled feelings, I'm just trying to look for the man behind the curtain.

Also: okay, yeah, women do make excuses for bad behavior. Why, one gal on this week's Breakup List wrote: "He has a drinking problem but doesn't try to do anything about it. We can't be together because...when we go to his hometown we are living on the streets. I have two children who can't stand him and won't stay with me if I'm with him, so they are living with my mom...two weeks ago he was put in jail for driving without a license...I had a family emergency 50 miles away so no one went to pick him up when he was released...Did I do the wrong thing by leaving him high and dry?" You could definitely say that she is (had been), as you say, fleeing stability, etc. -- even at the expense of her children. Yeek. So your point is taken -- but it is one about people, not women. Self-hating, self-destructive, generally dumbass behavior -- though men and women do exhibit gender-different kinds, especially in relationships -- is an equal opportunity employer. Bottom line: people get really weird about relationships, yo! We are equally likely to cling, cramping, to a bad thing as we are to flee, screaming, from a good thing. Go freaking figure.

But. Now that I have partly told you that you are partly wrong, I will tell you why you didn't want me to do that.

Because what you have crafted -- over the years, and with the support of the pack -- is an excellent explanation for why none of your relationships lasted. You, like any normal human, do not tolerate someone not wanting you. In a way, you are, um, actually making excuses for what you perceive as women's bad behavior, toward you. See, because if these babes are not "nuts" (and perhaps some of them are), if your theory falls through, then, well: it's you.

I AM NOT SAYING IT'S YOU. Necessarily. But let's just go down that road a little bit. Because when you ask me to tell you you're wrong, you don't really need me to iterate/debunk some Mars/Venus aphorism in the first place; you actually want me to tell you how to get a girlfriend. So here we go. For every woman who stays with a guy who's bitter about women (and yes Mike YOU'RE RIGHT there are plenty), there's a woman who dumps one. Now, if you, Mike, actually think -- nay, can practically prove -- that women are "self-hating nuts" who are unable to love/be loved, well, you can bring a gal all the mineral water and sweet nothings in the world, and she'll still feel like something's a little off. I mean, that Evian ain't coming from the purest "Here, my love, let me quench thy thirst" spring, is it? It's more like, "Here. There's some water. NOW see if you dump me!" Get it? Not a drop to drink.

So next time, Mikey X., don't seek out "nuts" who'll support your hypothesis. Have a relationship, not Evidence. Just decide -- even though you may not feel it yet -- to trust that the gal knows what she's doing. And that you, finally, do too.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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