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Dear Breakup Girl,

This past year my life could have been a soap opera of the popular kind. It has included all of the standard characters; the bitch (me), the poor, explioted b/f (my ex), the hunky-but-mean crush (my HUGE mistake). Well, that's the characters, now to the plot.

Me and my bf (let's call him John) had been together for 1.5 years with everything that includes; almost breaking up, getting back together, going on vacation together, visiting his family who lives more than 1000 km from here, you know, all the pair-things. But then one day in all my stupidity and ignorance, I cheated on my bf. To my defence I will only say that this other hunky-but-showed-out-to-be-unbelievably-selfish guy is one who I had had a crush on a while before my bf and I got together, and my feelings for this guy weren't totally non-existing (but mind you, I was NOT in love with him, it was just a stupid mistake; actually the biggest mistake of my life so far...). I would also like to stress that it was a no-sex thing, just kissing-and-clothes-on. I am not trying to excuse what I did, I am not proud of it. But as John is quite conservative on this, the whole thing ended with us breaking up, and me being THE BITCH.

So, now starts the Annus Horribilis, Autumn'97. I regretted the whole thing and wanted to get back together (..you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone..). To make a long and tragic story short, my ex doesn't want to. Still it has been several times back and forth, a little sex now and then (yes,I know it is the truly and absolutely most stupid thing to do, but still, how can I live without that sex-life when I first get used to it? It was sooo fantastic..!)

Now it's been a little more than a year since we broke up, and first recently have we been able to actually have a conversation without being like cat and dog. I forgot to say, we can't avoid eachother due to the fact that we are training together at least 2 hrs/day. Well, now when we are on speaking terms again, the feelings that I had finally managed to suppress after about 10 months of living in a black hole, are emerging again. Even though I have dated this other guy sporadically the last couple of months, I knew that my feelings for John weren't totally disappeared. John knows about this other guy, but also knows that it is not at all a serious thing. I think he is aware of my feelings for him, and I am starting to hope that he might still have feelings for me. This brings me to my question, I guess, which in essence is this: is it possible that he still after all this time and broken hearts and hurt feelings still has feelings for me? I may add that we were both eachother's first love, and that we are 20 years old, so it's not just a junior high school thing.

Dear BG, should I just forget all about him or should I try one last time to talk to him, or should I just wait and see what happens? If he still has feelings for me now after a year, will they still be there after yet a couple of months? I think that maybe I have to take the initiative to get us back together.

I have come to the point where I know that I can manage without John (though it took me 10 months to get there), but I know it would be much better with him, so what do I have to lose? Please BG, help me, I'm so tired of hoping...

-- Zorba

Dear Zorba,

As far as potential reunions are concerned, you said the magic words in the first sentence of your last paragraph. Alas, however, while they are the magic words that make Breakup Girl say "Go for it!" they are not guaranteed to be Love Potion #9 for him. But the magic of "I can manage..." is that if he says no, you'll be fine. Right?

Love,
Breakup Girl

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