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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am, I think, as of today, finally extricating myself from a relationship that was horrible and sad, from a man I love(d) with all my heart. I feel so awful, looking around the house we just moved into, and seeing our whole life that we had built together (hanging pictures, watering the plants, meals together, etc.), and I feel like I've wasted so much time and tried so hard, for a man who, ultimately, was so wrong for me. I feel guilty for letting my elation and infatuation get in the way of all the alarms in my head at the beginning, and postponing the end for years(!) until we do nothing but hurt each other, and still know we love each other. Although the insurmountable reason I'm giving up is that he's attached to another woman and can't/won't let go, I realize our problems were so big that she is really just the catalyst.

I'm an intelligent woman-- I pride myself on being positive and optimistic-- do I have to become cynical and build the walls I hate in others to someday achieve a healthy relationship? Or, will I just punish the next guys for what I've been through with my past relationships? AND! How does anyone ever really know someone is right for them? It seems like everyone puts their "best foot forward" and then after I'm already sucked in I find out things that would have eliminated them at the start, but by the time the "bad stuff" is evident, I'm already in love and want to try to make it work!

I should tell you that I'm 40, was married for 10 years to a man I eventually left because he also loved me very much but basically ignored me most of the time, and then dated A LOT until I fell for this winner, whom I was with over four years. I dread the thought of dating again and going through the same stuff, and really just want a boring, maybe, normal let's-work-together-to-pay-the-bills-and-have-some-fun-once-in-awhile life!!

Yuk-- I hate this, and am determined not to be afraid to say "no more" when he wants to see me. Help!!! Thanks.

-- Flip Flop!

Dear Flip Flop,

Boy, are you being hard on yourself.

Should you have listened to the alarms and left the building? Maybe, but heck, maybe they were false. Who knows, maybe all you heard was the clang-clang of impending commitment.

Have you wasted your time by trying so hard? Maybe, but heck, for everyone who does that there's someone else who gives up and bails without trying at all. Relationships are work, Flip. Some people don't even put in the time -- or reap the rewards -- in the first place; some skip right over the elation and infatuation and head straight for the sturm und drang.

Are you destined to build walls, exact punishment, root out the "bad stuff" too late? Maybe those are good questions to ask, but heck, they're rhetorical. I don't detect any pattern -- past or impending -- here. You've had a bunch of relationships, some too short, some too long, some too...whatever. Sounds to me like: life. Let yourself off the hook and go have one.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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