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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have always considered myself a somewhat decent 'catch.' When I met a certain someone in November, I was more intrigued by her than I was attracted to her. As time progressed I was constantly turning down other dates with more 'attractive' suitors while desperately trying to determine what it was that I liked or did not like about her.

Anyway, after spending way too much (as usual) on her for her mid-December birthday as well as Christmas, I determined that when she returned from visiting family, it was over. Friends argued, however, that the proximity to New Years would inflate not only her devastation, but also my looking like a jerk.

Now I'll cut to the chase. While eating dinner at my home on New Year's Eve, she said she was sick and left. Being honestly worried about her, I stopped by her apartment with various flu and cold remedies and found another man situated in her dwelling.

Enough said. I didn't freak out because I was preparing to end it anyway, but when I returned the next day for various items of my clothing and such, I decided to take back all my gifts. Now my peanut gallery is split here at home. My conscience rides on your decision.

Faithfully,
Cold in Canada

...but wait, there's more!

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently sent you a message regarding the returning of gifts after a relationship. As I logged off to patiently await your highly regarded answer and to only dream of someday when I will be 'swept off my feet,' my doorbell rang. There stood the ex of only twenty some hours looking like I had bitten the head off of one of her kittens. (I didn't, really; I like cats.)

She began to explain that in her haste she had made the wrong decision and wanted me back. But this is not the problem. She went on to explain that the man she left me for had gone back to his initial galpal, leaving her alone. I don't have many feelings for this girl; in fact, I am not even physically attracted to her. Still, I took her to lunch. When I dropped her off not much was said except a few goodbyes and I felt wonderful. But when I got home, my answering machine spit out a message from her mother asking me to drive her home next weekend because they simply cannot afford it themselves. (The drive is 11 hours one way.)

I'm dying here. I don't want to go, but if I don't take her, she won't be able to see her family. I know you must think that I'm some sort of pushover/loser but I have already had many offers for the next few weeks from other women and now I don't know what to do with them because I don't want to break my ex's heart. Please please heeeelllllpppppppp.

-- Cold in Canada

Dear Cold in Canada,

Let me just ask you one teensy weensy question:

THE MOTHER OF SOMEONE YOU'D BEEN SEEING FOR TWO MONTHS ASKED YOU TO DRIVE HER ON A TWENTY-TWO HOUR ROAD TRIP?!?!??!

That is weirder than anything I read in The Shipping News.

So listen, Canada: you have every right to be cold. This one is simple. Given what your galpal pulled -- and that you're not into her anyway -- you are completely entitled to (a) take your gifts back and (b) not take Mum home. You don't have to be huffy; just say sorry, you won't be available. Then go make yourself available to someone who deserves your warmth.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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